fish puke

um, hi.

2011-08-24T20:53:00.003-05:00

hello world
again.

so it's been a few years since i last posted cat pictures.
so if it's been a few years since i wrote shitty emo posts.
so i've gained a few wrinkles and a whole lot of lbs.
so i've lost my bachelorhood and got hitched.
well, i'm back.

bitches.

Drilling into my skull

2008-01-23T15:31:00.000-05:00

DO NOT sit in the front row in a meeting, or you'd be forced to pretend to pay attention the whole f'ing time.

Contemplation

2008-01-20T14:07:00.000-05:00

Pssssst

2008-01-18T14:09:00.000-05:00

So it seems that I can publish posts via email now. Couple that with my cell phone that's no longer from the stone age, I can now pollute the blogosphere with ease.

Yay me! Bad for you.

And expect a lot of useless cat pics.

sometimes

2007-11-15T23:22:00.000-05:00

sometimes, i start to write, with tons of ideas running through my head. but as soon as i turn the computer on and everything is ready, my brain freezes.

the cursor blinks rhythmically, waiting for an invitation to dance across the screen. trains of thoughts ramble on in my brain, as if trying to read a license plate on a rainy night through the windshield. everything's blurry and unorganized.

so i sit, stare at the cursor for a few minutes and finally give up.

maybe it's better to let thoughts run amok up there, as opposed to sorting them out and facing the music.

yum, food......

2007-08-01T21:31:00.000-05:00

Casino Point, Catalina Island, CA

so long, my friend

2007-07-11T12:42:00.000-05:00

i cried today.

for the first time in a long time, i just couldn't hold it in. couldn't control it. didn't want to, probably.

Roy left.

i've never met roy, never petted him, never heard him purr, yet i'm utterly destroyed.

just like when bibi left.

sometimes i wonder if it'd be better if i didn't have pets.

2007-07-07T14:56:00.000-05:00

7/6/07

4*60

200-40

kitty catty

2007-05-24T10:41:00.000-05:00

stupid ass

2007-04-16T22:38:00.000-05:00

as kids, we are greatly influenced by our parents. it's not a conscious decision. it just happens. when we're young (omg, i'm an old fuck) we often laugh at their mannerisms because we "know it all", and we deem them to be super duper uncool. but as we grow up, undoubtedly a few obvious signs that we've absorbed their mannerisms will pop up.

i caught myself saying "stupid ass" after i got home from work today. i was probably talking to the cat, telling him about my day as he was cleaning his ass.

i caught myself in mid-sentence after i uttered those two words. i smiled.

i first heard that from my dad. it was the last time he came, if i remember correctly. i was like, what kind of word is stupid ass? it sounds so awkward, so Malaysian. i almost laughed at him when i heard him use it. and now here i am, using it automatically, without thought.

somehow, it sounded just right this time.

see cat

2007-04-03T13:22:00.000-05:00

dude, this couch is like comfy and shit. and i'm tired, because i did absolutely nothing today. it's tiring, you know.

head is too heavy. must be all the brainpower i have. i hate my nose too. need to flatten it.

sniff sniff. smells like ass, dude. can you wash this shit?

zzz.....catnip, greenies, birdies, canned food....zzzzzzzzzz

123456789

2007-04-03T09:57:00.000-05:00

let's say you're not the sharpest sea urchin in the sea (see exhibit A: me) and the time is midnight. you see a samurai soduku puzzle on the nightstand next to the bed. a puzzle that you've been working on for what seems like 3 yrs and still only have less than half the numbers filled in.

and somehow you feel that it's the appropriate time to try to solve more of the puzzle. um, yeah.

90 minutes later and NOT ONE NUMBER ADDED, i felt this surge of rage and frustration boil inside me. i wanted to rip that sheet of paper and shove it up the cats ass. but somehow, i resisted.

wow, i really am mellowing with age.

i hate soduku.

it's been 3 and a half days

2007-03-06T10:15:00.000-05:00

you have yet to call or email.

all this time, i’ve sat here, staring at my phone, willing it to ring, but still it stays motionless.

i thought things went ok during our two encounters. probably could’ve been better, but then hey, in this day and age, compromises need to be made occasionally. or so i thought.

you have yet to call.

minute by minute, hour by hour, i lose more and more hope. i know there’s more fish out there, but i kinda wanted you. maybe it was because you seemed willing, maybe because you were the first, i don’t know. honestly, i don’t really even care. just if you’d call.

but you won’t.

why don't you want me? i shower and brush my teeth daily, shave every few months, have a fat ass, but somehow that's not good enough.

so i curse you to hell, you useless piece of shit job. fine. don’t hire me. i’ll just go sell my ass now, dickhead. just know you pushed me towards the fire pit of prostitution, asswipe.

i hope you die.

anxiety

2007-02-21T17:48:00.000-05:00

1st stage is set for Tuesday, 2nd stage set for Friday for a grand total of three hours. it’s the same routine, i suppose, but the stakes seem so much higher this time. in a sense, it is. i’m reaching for more, and i need to deliver more.

can i? now that’s the big question now, isn’t it? am i really worth what i’m asking, or am i just trying to land this big scam? a lot of times i feel like i don’t know much, but somehow i’ve managed to finagle my way to this point. maybe that in itself is worth something.

my fucking hands are getting clammy just thinking about it.

and you don’t stop

2007-02-20T11:24:00.000-05:00

cause you can’t stop.

i brought in another box of kashi cereal to work.

yes i did. even after the premature trashing of the previous box due to rats making sweet sweet love to it, i have decided that i can’t just sit there and not eat cereal ever again at work. i mean, sure they have like 10 gazibillion diseases they spread, but i have opposable thumbs and a strange lump on my skin. i am better than them rats.

so box #2 has been rat proof’d. at least i hope it’s been. i ain’t no rat expert, son. Armed with a different storage spot and 3 rubber bands, i am playing cereal hide and seek with the rats. They'll get to my crunchy kashi over my dead, lard filled body.

what the fuck has my life become?

walk from work

2006-12-28T12:48:00.000-05:00

merry christmas

2006-12-24T23:54:00.000-05:00

why is this loser buying a a stupid green tent?

i think i'll raise his hopes by going inside it a few times, let a few days pass, then piss it in and never ever go near it again, thus crushing his spirits.

merry christmas, fucker.

-

2006-12-20T14:17:00.000-05:00

i haven't taken pictures in some time now. i don't even know where the hell my digital camera is anymore. dandan could've buried it under his sandbox and i probably wouldn't have noticed.

the last time i remember was taking it underwater when i was diving in the mudholes. might've picked it up again once or twice after that, but if i did, it wasn't that memorable.

none of the pics i took made any covers or broke any artistic barriers (shit, half the time it was either under or over exposed), but somehow, i miss it.

time to dig up the old digital camera?

30 seconds

2006-12-19T23:35:00.000-05:00

it was probably 6:30 or so.

the sun was long gone for the day, and i was on the last leg of my commute home. the drive home is short, usually not more than 10 minutes, barely enough time for me to feel the effects of the seat warmers in the car.

i was in the right lane, probably going around 50 mph. a minivan was in front of me, and i didn't feel like overtaking it just to get home a few second earlier.

i see this blur come from the left shoulder of the road. the minivan in front brakes, but it's too late. the blur and the front left bumper of the minivan connect. the blur spins around and under the wheels. part of the bumper breaks off. bits and pieces of plastic, wire and flesh come flying at me.

i swerve left, avoiding the big pieces, but at that speed, i can't avoid it all. i hear a few things hit the windshield, thankfully nothing breaks. after a few seconds, the minivan pulls off to the right shoulder and stops, no doubt shaken.

i slow down, gather myself, and drive home slowly.

it's been a few hours now, and honestly, i still can't fully grasp how i feel. it's the first time i've ever seen death up close. maybe i'm in shock? sadness, loss, bemoaning how humans overtake nature, imminent death of those around me, parents, dandan. talk about a whole fucking mixture of emotions.

it's fucked up, i'm telling you. fucked up.

cursed

2006-12-15T15:14:00.001-05:00

i'm tellin' ya, i'm tellin' ya.

i laugh, only because i'm at my wits end. can't help buy just laugh. inside, i want to start hitting walls while yelling at the top of my lungs, but somehow i refrain from doing so.

i guess its time to check for flight times to tibet.

don't toy with me

2006-12-14T17:01:00.000-05:00

could it be?

no, really, could it really be true?

toy with my fragile fucking heart once again, and i’m done. i’ll be resigned to becoming a monk in the mountains of Tibet.

and i don't really want to be a monk, or go to tibet. so please, motherfucker, please let it be.

green eggs and spam

2006-12-12T17:37:00.000-05:00

that's pretty much going to my steady diet for the foreseeable future. maybe just regular colored eggs though. not sure how the green dye is going to affect my voluptous ass.

oh, and bovril, of course. yes, bovril. i'm the only one i know here in the states that actually eats, or even knows what bovril is. but i love that black nasty gooey stuff.

bovril, bovril, how do i love thee?

whenever my parents come to the states, they would always ask me if i wanted anything. cds? books? maid/sex slave? and i would always say no. just get me bovril, i'd say. with bovril, i can conquer the world. now, they don't even ask. they just bring me a bottle or two every time.

you know, if one were to sit down and read the ingredients at the back of the bottle, they'd probably pass out and die. it's probably just msg to the nth power. the hell with that i say. what doesn't kill you just makes your hair fall off at a blinding rate.

(this is why i don't blog that much anymore. what i just wrote is just a total load of bullshit. a 1st grader could write better, and organize his/her/its thoughts better that what i just did. blah blah blah)

whatever. i like spam. and eggs. and bovril.

yay me.

religion

2006-12-08T15:33:00.000-05:00

i think i might need religion soon. or alcohol. or maybe both. at this point, i’m fucking flabbergasted. i need any help i can get. i might even start going to church and stuff just to get it done.

every single time something seems like its on the up and up, and i seem to think it’ll all be over soon, something comes crashing down on my imaginary party. god damn it, how many fucking times does this need to repeat itself?

at this rate, all my hair will fall out in 2 months, instead of 2 yrs. come on, i need to prolong my hair follicle existence as long as possible (for the ladies, you know. see “strong pimp hand”), and this shit definitely isn’t helping much.

maybe it’s god/allah/budda/whatever’s punishment to me for making fun of religion all these years. maybe it’s also karma for making fun of everyone and anyone.

god damn it, karma’s a bitch. whoops. i just used the lords name in vain.

fuck.

review 06

2006-12-06T16:48:00.000-05:00

just like that, another year is close to expiring.

a lot of things happened throughout the year, packed with revelations of others and myself, and yet it seems that it’s all a blur. how can so much crap fly by so damn fast? this whole time concept is one weird thing.

another year, another new job. i’m close to becoming a job slut, hopping from one to another on a whim, but hey, i’m a bigger money slut, so i just follow the money. but then i realized that it doesn’t really matter how much you earn. as long as you have a money sucking business and a money sucking condo and a Bloomingdales card, you will never have any leftovers.

i realize that i don’t know jack about businesses, finances and marketing. the two fore-mentioned ventures pretty much confirmed that without a doubt. so the methods set to correct those deficiencies are now in motion (well, the early early planning stages of such methods anyways). maybe it’ll involve a whole lot of time for golf, maybe it’ll be such that no time can be allocated for white dimpled ball striking. like i said, it’s still in the early planning stages. your guess is as good as mine. for now.

i’m also sad to say that mentally, i’m not what i thought i was. a whole lot of cracks, holes even, showed up in my mental wall this year. amongst them, envy. i want what they have. everyone else but me, it seems. so i try, and in doing so, fail to understand my limitations. i look back at those events and find myself shaking my head. what happened to mental fortitude?

so the next year will be spent with more modest goals in mind. no doubling net worth, become CEO, etc. simpler, self enriching goals are more like it.
- live within my means. recuperate financially.
- mend mental wall. control materialistic wants and envy.
- self development. learn.
- obtain advanced open water (AOW) and Rescue diver cards.
- visit 1 new country.

pretty interesting year, all in all. can’t help but to think that i’ve taken a huge step back in overall growth, but i guess it’s one of those real life lessons crap. no point moping around over spilt coffee, i suppose.

the sun will keep on shining, birds will continue chirping, dandan will still lay his head on my chest at night, and i’ll be ok.

96+10

2006-11-27T16:40:00.000-05:00

large social settings were never my forte, you see. the sweet-nothings, the commotion, the human interactions often overwhelm my pea brain.

that is how i find myself standing outside the restaurant, smoking a cigarette.

i peer inside, eyeing the groups of mingling people. something gets stirred up inside of me, maybe it’s envy, maybe it’s just bad Italian food. i take a drag of my cigarette and will it away, but it lingers.

memories flood back, none of them good. the mistakes of youth, the naivety of the future, the missed opportunities all come rushing to the forefront. let bygones be bygones, i tell myself. live in the present, live in the now.

i see doctors, lawyers, professionals through the window. somehow i catch my reflection in the glass window and i can’t see anything. what have i been doing all this time? your peers have moved on, moved up, and i’m lagging behind.

feelings of inadequacy consumes me. part of me tells me that i’m ok, i’m not doing that bad, and part of me berates me, telling me how i’ve failed, how i’m nothing, how i need to stop screwing around and find some direction in my life.

you know you’ve had this conversation with yourself once too many when you don’t even remember how many times you’ve done this. i don't even try to get a resolution. i know better. no matter how i slice it, i can't find any answers.

i crack a small, bitter smile, put the cigarette in my mouth, take a deep drag, and tell the demons to fuck off.

maybe the next 10 will fare better for me.

who i am

2006-11-08T00:10:00.000-05:00

i look at myself in the mirror, and all i can see is a dispicable piece of shit. a useless piece of discarded trash.

when're you going to figure yourself out and stop pushing those around you away?

fuck, i hate myself.

jail would like, totally suck

2006-11-07T17:13:00.000-05:00

it sure didn’t take long for nablopomo to turn into nablonomo, huh? this, my friends, is the true definition of dedication. but let’s not cry over spilt blog entries and just move on. everyday is a new post. or not. whatever.

last night, i decided that i would relive my youth. thus, i went and played pickup basketball. yes i did.

thoughts before playing
- i’m in decent shape. i can do it. yeah.
- i’m an athlete, biatch. it’ll just come back to me. just like c++ or something.

thoughts post playing
- god damn motherfucker, i’m way out of shape.
- me sucko mucho at basketball.
- let’s just stick to walking, eating and sleeping. it’s hurts less that way.

so today, i’m walking as if i’ve got a up my . now i know to kill myself before i ever get sentenced to jail time.

taebo?!

2006-11-03T13:22:00.000-05:00

so i spent a total of 3 hrs out of bed yesterday, and maybe 2 more hours on top of it awake, struggling to respond to work emails.  and yet once again, the mighty ed prevails.  the illness is defeated, and ed lives to continue polluting the world.  makes you kinda wonder if Darwinism actually works, doesn’t it?

during my semi-conscious state yesterday morning, i was listening to the mind numbing pop music station when they played Akon’s new song – “Smack That”.  Come on, i was just too sick to change the music station.  can’t a sick person get a free pass?

anyways, mr. lyricist rapper here decided to rhyme Lamborghini Gallardo with……(wait for it)…….Taebo.

hold on.  you’re surely mistaken.  taebo?  are you sure it’s not mango?  or jLo?  or bongo?

yes, you read it correctly.  he rhymed it with Taebo.  talk about street cred.

gangsta.

it's cold, isn't it?

2006-11-02T14:46:00.000-05:00

i have 3 layers of pants on, a tshirt, a sweater over that, and 2 blankets over me at this point. and honestly, i'm still kinda cold. see? i really am sick.

i've downed a few airborne drinks, and went through probably a few gallons of water, but still i'm sore and weak. if this were me 5 yrs ago, i would've sweated it out after a few hours and now would be playing golf or watching porn. but apparently, with age comes the extended healing time.

so it's 3pm, and with the exception of actually going out to get some food, i've been bundled up all day, cursing the cause of my illness. it's got to be the damn metro, with all the weirdos on it.

fuck this getting old and getting sick shit. and now, if you'll excuse me, i need to go pee, send out an email to coworkers to appear as if i'm working, then pass out, covered by a mountain of heat keeping crap.

gosh

2006-11-01T23:07:00.000-05:00

so i think i'm sick. body just started feeling sore, and now my joints ache, and i can feel myself starting to burn up. yay me. i'll be so f'ing pissed if i actually do get sick. no, not because i don't want to feel nasty, etc. it's because i finally accrued enough vacation time to get back on the + column. i have a grand total of 2 hours and change of leave time.

and i am not about to use that leave time for a sick day. screw that. i'm using it when i can actually enjoy that. i can wake up tomorrow with half an eye stuck shut with eye shit, or even if i start to drown in my own nose runny watery shit, i'll somehow drag my voluptous ass to work. i'll use those 2 hours over my dead body (fuck, i'm just asking for it, aren't i?)

can you say productive worker bee?

------------

like, apparently i signed up for nablopomo or something. go figure. as if writers block wasn't enough, now i've got peeps checking the blog to see if i actually do it. no pressure or anything. gosh.

so for all my loyal readers (.3343 of them), as well as those who has unfortunately stumbled upon this disaster of a blog, fasten your seatbelts, get the puke bag ready and let's get this fucker on the road.

.25

2006-10-27T13:46:00.000-05:00

so you’ve reached a tentative agreement to rent out the place for $1. you’re content, but not really. it’s something, but it doesn’t really cover all your expenses. but you agreed to it. so you begrudgingly honor it.

then someone comes along and offers $1.25. and you become really tempted. because the offer is more attractive. but they have yet to agree to sign the lease like the previous person. and you sway in the crosswinds, undecided.

should you take the sure thing for a bit less, or be a bit greedy and take the seemingly better offer?

it's friday the 13th

2006-10-13T22:40:00.000-05:00

i've been sitting here, staring at this screen for close to an hour, desperately trying to find something insightful, witty or funny to write about to no avail.

sure, a whole bunch of words spewed out, but damn, son, it stunk more than leftover chinese food left in an airtight car for a week during the summer.

so i'll just shut up.

video taken during the flower garden trip. no sharks or divers were hurt during the filming.

the price you pay

2006-10-03T09:58:00.000-05:00

as usual, 2 months into a new job, i'm sick of it. can't stand it. "want to rip my nuts off just to get a day off" kind of can't stand it.

naturally, i want to quit and become a scuba bum, island hopping around the caribbean, get a wicked tan, be happy, and all that jazz. follow thy heart or whatever, you know.

so i was talking to this guy. seems like he's living his dream. he acts. he's had roles in a variety of films, from TV work, broadway, to movies. we talked about movies, aaron sorkin, me wanting to be the dead guy in a series, etc. pretty cool guy.

then he gave me my movies and told me that they were due by midnight Saturday.

and that, my friends, is why i got my fat ass to work today.

perpetual downward spiral

2006-09-18T09:06:00.000-05:00

you know the story of how a little pebble on top of the mountain, when rolled down, gathers snow and becomes a giant boulder that kills your bank account?

and that is how i'm sitting here listening to the scuba radio podcast on my new ipod nano (which i swore on my left nut that i would not buy), making it doubly hard for me to not quit my job, fly out to cozumel, work as a gigolo and dive dive dive dive dive.

best buy is evil.

1 gb and 3 days

2006-09-08T12:25:00.000-05:00

of digital photos later, i've come to the realization that i fucking suck at taking pictures underwater.

preliminary examination shows the following breakdown:
- 70% of the pics were an homage to van gogh's blue period. if i looked at those pictures any longer, i'd cut my own ear off too.

- 29.9% were out of focus, blurry pics. it's almost like looking at the underwater life when you're on acid. colors running everywhere.

- 0.1% were not sucky pictures. and i use the description "not sucky" very very loosely. lindsay lohan loose.

so it seems that i spent almost $200 on my underwater camera housing just to prove that i totally suck at it. it's just like taking the SATs again.

why pay money just to prove you suck donkey balls?

nursery rhyme

2006-09-07T14:40:00.000-05:00

well well, fuckity fuckity fuck
guess who's tangled in all this muck?
shit, it might get ugly, with my luck
but me, i'm dumb as a duck

so let's play with this shit
maybe for someone it'd fit
but get real, dude, look at the market
lots of peeps are gonna say fuck-it

but stubborn, maybe stupid me
oh condo, why did i agree to buy thee
and now shit's up to my knee
ok, i'll stop now, 'cause i got to go pee-pee.

anyone want a condo?
http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/nva/rfs/204218815.html

vocab lesson #1

2006-09-06T14:15:00.000-05:00

what's the difference between sad and depressed?

depressed is when one comes back to work after 5 days of mind numbing fun. so much fun that one’s measly pea sized brain temporarily forgot all the hustle, bustle and shit that resides in it during the normal day.

sad is when one sits here at work, hating the fact that the pictures and videos are not accessible, and has to resort to scrolling through the dive computer to reminisce about the good times.

dandan

2006-09-05T23:51:00.000-05:00

when people find out how fucking obsessed i am with the cat, they tend to say "but it's only a pet". that's when i want to rip their heads off, take a dump in the mouth and spit on them.

i mean, it's only a pet? fuck you.

i love the furball, and the furball, suprisingly, actually likes me from time to time.

and yells at me after i come back from a long weekend. i mean, he went on a five minute concert sitting on the bed, looking at me.

and that is why i love my fucking cat. maybe even more so than you, stupid humans.

PVS

2006-08-30T15:15:00.000-05:00

Pre Vacation Syndrome is hitting me like a mofo.

i’ve been even more unproductive today, compared to other days. yes, i know, it’s quite unbelievable that i could be even more comatose here at work, but trust me on this. if it’s one thing i know, it’s slacking.

so anyways, tomorrow i go on another trip. yay me. i can’t wait to get there, but i’m almost tripped out, i think, at this point. too many days away from the cat, too much time worrying about getting to the airport on time, too much “i’m on vacation, i can buy anything i want” bills to pay off.

i’m not complaining. or whining. shut up.

ok. next topic.

yes, jenny, i did cook last night. yes, i made the main dish. it was my interpretation of it, at least. probably the really chicken out way, but fuck you. and i plated it better than you did. eat your heart out, master chef.

you know those people who keep on telling you to save the environment and take public transportation? those peeps must be oil sheiks, trust fund babies or bill gates’ relatives. taking public transportation is, apparently, more expensive than buying a Ferrari. i kid you not. in other news, the kiosk that take payment for fare cards now take cash, credit, debit and organ.

after 9 months of eager anticipation, my furniture’s finally arrived. i know. maybe now i can pay it off with my social security distributions. shit, that means having to move a whole bunch of old stuff to the basement, clean, and rearrange stuff. should be interesting. it’s almost like extreme home makeover, except i don’t have a designer, it’s really not all that extreme, it’s only for one room and it’s not free. it’s a leather couch, so i might have a cat to give to a good home in a few weeks.

i’ll pack and go to bed early. i’ll pack and go to bed early. i’ll pack and go to bed early.

it just wasn't meant to be

2006-08-28T09:28:00.000-05:00

i thought it’d last forever. i mean, you were mine. and now, i’m forced to let you go. damn it, i wish it weren’t so. i never even had the chance to milk all the privileges of having you, my sweetness.

but honestly, it wasn’t really all that. you just sat there and did nothing. EVERY SINGLE DAY. you were supposed to be a superstar, but you were just there, sitting on your fat ass, not producing anything at all. as a matter of fact, you barely moved this whole time we were together.

so with a heavy heart, but a bit of relief, i sold my shares in the Berkshire Hathaway stock fund.

maybe later, pretty thing, we’ll get together once again, but for now, i think i’ll explore my options a bit.

see you around.

kryptonite

2006-08-24T23:30:00.000-05:00

i can deal with crazy roller coasters, bumpy everlasting bus rides, uncomfortable train rides, long choppy boat rides, nyc subway, boston T, but i can't last through a simple "for 6 yr old" swing ride without getting sick.

what kind of sick twisted logic is that?

vacation needed. STAT

2006-08-24T11:28:00.000-05:00

day 3 of my imprisonment here at New Job Inc.

slowly figuring out the ins and outs of the new group, the group dynamics, my role, etc.

so far, it seems like i'll be a slave/glorified assistant. my tasks here so far have included "help me move the table for tomorrow's meeting" and "your role in the meeting is to take notes. good notes"

shit, i'm not complaining, just as long as they pay me the agreed upon wages. I'd even make coffee for them too, if they so wish. but no vacuuming. i gotta draw the line somewhere, right?

so anyways, people here are quite varied. there's the friendly ones, the quiet but nice ones, and the martha stewart (smile, but i'll stab you in your forehead before you can say "cupcake"). but the one that stands out so far is just this girl/lady/whatever.

she's nice, been here for a while now, i think. knowledgeable, friendly, polite. she knows how things work around here, and i've been fortunate enough to have her show me the ropes.

BUT SHE WON'T SHUT UP.

like ever. the 2 days i've been here, i've been bombarded with information from her, not only about the job, but about her personal life. her bf, their marriage plans, her bf's job perks ($400 clothing allowance every month. shit, i want that), her monthly commute expense, her side job, her college life, and so on and so on. mind you, i've only been here for 2 days. but she WON'T SHUT UP.

and so, i ask the question, why did i sign up for this again (other than the whole paycheck thing, you know)?

despite all my rage

2006-08-20T23:58:00.000-05:00

so i'm part of the common folks again.

in a bit under 8 hours, i'll be at orientation. it may be a different, but in the big race, i'll still be a rat in a cage.

between an aquarium trip, a boston trip, an amusement park trip, and a few days of idling, 2 weeks just flew by. can't realy complain about it though. it was relaxing, interesting and definitely fun.

but now, it's time to step up to the plate. new place, new opportunities, new clean slate. time to show what i can do, learn what i can't do. parlay the opportunities into something concrete, grab the chances and use them. it'll be demanding, i hope, rewarding, i pray.

let's see how long this optimism lasts this time around, if the 8:30am orientation doesn't kill me first.

i hate golf

2006-08-17T21:43:00.000-05:00

and golf definitely laughs at me.

there i was, standing over the little fucking white dimpled piece of shit ball. i was hitting the ball decent, and i noticed the medicus in my buddy's bag. for those of you who don't know, the medicus is a "golf aid" that checks if your swing is "correct".

so anyways, i figured i brung my game today, so i was going to hit with the medicus. i mean, shit, i got the perfect swing DOWN.

practice swing #1, good. practice swing #2, perfect.

step up to the ball, set up, take the club back, watch the body, and swing down.

it went 80 yards, give or take.

i look down at the mat and see the white ball sitting there, didn't even move a fucking inch. so i walked out and retrieved my club from the field.

6

2006-08-17T00:33:00.000-05:00

i was in boston for 6 days.

mostly, it was to see my sister, perhaps the one person in the world who will stand behind me regardless of the decisions i make. shit, i could show up bald, with a mike tyson tattoo on my face, wearing a pink tutu and she'd still have my back.

but outside of sitting around, enjoying the ridiculously wonderful boston weather, reading the paper, drinking dunkin donuts coffee and donuts, there was this tiny thing about diving around boston.

so 4 dives later in low 60s water, i remembered my disdain for cold water shore diving. lugging the full gear from the car, suiting up in a 7 mil farmer john, omg. i probably developed a few muscles that i never even moved before that. but all was worth it, because my dive buddy was my sister.

and now, the vacation is over.

the welcome back committee did a wonderful job of celebrating my return to the crab state, but still, i'm back to dealing with the same kinds of shit i hoped to forget for a while. store, condo, new job. i'll deal with them one by one, and hopefully it'll all get worked out.

if not, i can always jump into the bathtub and pretend i'm diving.

lobsters 1, ed 0

2006-08-13T23:37:00.000-05:00

apparently, lobsters aren't just little buggers with rubber bands on their claws, sitting on top of each other in the tank in the local supermarket seafood section.

who knew that they actually lived underwater, under rocks and in crevices, with their antenna's sticking out?

all i knew of lobster was that it tasted hella nice with some melted butter, so of course i'd figure that me, super duper master genius diver, would have no problem picking them up and examining them.

and of course, i'd be wrong.

those little bugs actually get really defensive when you approach them. their eyes and claws always pointed to you, even as you move side by side, trying to find an angle to pick them up without getting pinched.

the smarter ones hide under rocks, but the dumber ones just walk along the sandy bottom, perhaps going to the grocery store. i'm not sure.

so i decide to pick on the dumb ones. but dumb doesn't mean slow reaction times, i found out. i challenged a few of them, but was pretty much too chicken shit, and only managed to pick one up.

i am nothing compared to them underwater, i realized.

so i had some lobster for dinner.

bitches. who's got the last laugh?

it's 7:07am

2006-08-10T06:07:00.000-05:00

do you know where your flight is?

apparently, mine left without me.

i got to the airport at 5:30 and got through the security checkpoint at 6:40. why did it take forever, you ask? well, i'm glad you want to know.

being the Nostradamus genius that i am, i chose today to travel. today. the morning after the brits announce arrests in plots to blow up US bound planes with liquid bombs.

but of course, i did not know.

and i had my beautification stuff, including my swedish penis pump, in the carry on. which was a bad bad thing to do, because no liquids or gels or similar substance items would be allowed through inspection.

good thing breast enhancing pills weren't in liquid format, or i might drop a cup size or two these few days out of town.

so i sit here in front of gate B22, waiting to confirm my standby status for the 8:50 flight, drinking a cup of dunkin donuts coffee while munching on some donuts.

fuck, it's 2am already?

2006-08-10T00:58:00.000-05:00

which means i have yet to finish packing. clothes i mean. scuba gear has been packed since this afternoon.

which means i am fucked, because i need to be up in 2.5 hrs.

which means i will be dead tired for my 6:15am flight.

which means i need to get my butt there by 5:15am.

which means i am in trouble, because my ride's getting here at 5am, and it takes at least 30 minutes to get there.

which means i will be late and rushed, but i will get on that ride even if i means i have to blow someone. maybe not.

which means i'll swear that one of these days i'll actually go to be earlier the night before a trip.

which means i'll definitely never ever achieve that goal.

which means i should probably stop blogging and go to bed now, doesn't it?

i have a dream

2006-08-05T17:02:00.000-05:00

that one day, i will be able to find a passive stream of income.
that i'll be able to sit on my fat chubby ass and blog all day.

so i'm thinking of setting up a kitty porn website. it's just like those sorority webcam sites, instead of girls, monthly subscribers will be able to see what kitty cat is doing 24 hours a day.

here's a preview of what you might get if you paypal $9.95 to fishballer at gmail.com

*no cats were stripped in the taking of this picture.

signing off

2006-08-04T13:57:00.000-05:00

the clutter is gone, leaving just specks of dirt flying all around the cube.

work related documents were shredded, personal belongings all in a box. with a lot of room to spare. i have a lot of toys here at work.

exit interview is done, a mere formality before relinquishing my passcard and other gecko items.

goodbyes were said, false promises of keeping in touch doled out. hopefully i'll run into a few of them again, but i'm not holding my breath on that.

outlook has been cleared out, programs uninstalled from my computer.

well, it's been real. take care, gecko.

time to get out of here.

masterpieces

2006-08-02T09:20:00.000-05:00

reflection

2006-08-01T02:24:00.000-05:00

sometimes i look in the mirror, and i see a shadow.

not a disfigured me staring back at me, nor an idealized version of me. a blank. a somewhat normal, insignificant me, easily passable for any other john doe out there roaming the streets stands in the mirror. nothing special, nothing note-worthy.

during those times, i struggle to find who i am, what i am. doubts set in, planting its seed, waiting to grow and blossom.

and sometimes you see yourself through the eyes of others, that for some reason unbeknownst to you, they see something in you that you don't. you try to find the reason, the angle they see that you don't, but after a while, you stop. you stop and start believing that maybe there's something to you after all.

with that, the seeds of doubt planted beforehand is no more.

queue swan song

2006-07-30T01:58:00.000-05:00

it dawned on me today, speaking to her, that my days at gecko hq are down to the last week.

unlike the last position, where i was really "run, do not walk to the nearest exit" hell bent on leaving, this one feels different.

it's almost bittersweet, i suppose. i don't know.

apart from the somewhat shitty pay and the refusal of granting me the opportunities to move up, i actually somewhat enjoyed that place. absorbed a whole lot of job related knowledge, worked with a whole bunch of fun, smart and sometimes crazy individuals. i learnt the hard way that sometimes opportunities you think you deserve might not be given to you, but it's an invaluable lesson that i needed anyways.

so i get ready to bid farewell to this place. without this, i wouldn't have gone through what i went through, and i'm thankful for that. plus, i met her working there, so i guess that overrides pretty much all the negative stuff.

and so, another opportunity awaits me, a challenging one, no doubt, but it'll be fun. i've never worked downtown before, and with the subway commute everyday, it'll be a different experience.

let the battle of motion sickness begin.

acknowledgement

2006-07-28T01:08:00.000-05:00

it's late in the night, and for whatever reason, i'm still awake.

the cat's taken 5 naps by now, i reckon. he's laying next to me, stretched out, deep in catnip land.

i look over and start talking to him. no response.

i say "dandan ah". his eyes do not open, but he lets out a little yap, letting me know that he's heard me, but chooses to continue sleeping. whatever important things i have, it'll have to wait till the morning.

i love that furry shit producing thing.

times of change

2006-07-28T00:34:00.000-05:00

life sure is unpredictable, isn't it?

less than a year ago, i was just leaving my job, about to start a new job. of course, knowing me, i had to go on a vacation in between jobs, so i went out west, all the way to san jose.

i remember thinking about how things have changed over time, and wondering how it would evolve in the future.

in a little bit less than 10 months, grey fluff's fluffed his way down to houston, promoted to a managerial position.

over the same period of time, i realized that i could actually do something other than programming and now am on the verge of moving up slightly up the food chain.

i learnt scuba, went diving and spent my birthday smoking a cuban cigar on a balcony, looking out at the dark ocean. i guess that's how a relaxing vacation is supposed to feel like.

i realized that there is someone for me, even an self absorbed jackass like me, so maybe there's hope for us all afterall. let's hope that she doesn't wisen up anytime soon.

can't wait to see what the winds of change will bring in next.

withdrawl

2006-07-26T13:38:00.000-05:00

time since arriving at office – 5 hrs.
time out for lunch – 1.5 hrs.
time spent in the office – 3.5 hrs.
time spent working – 0 hrs.
time spent reading about scuba stuff – 3.5 hrs.

this is what happens when you’ve checked out mentally, and already have two dive trips planned.  all you can think about is diving.  diving with seals, turtles, manta rays, etc.

the fucking scuba stuff had better be here today, or i’d be throwing a hissy fit right there in front of my house.

omg, omg, omg, please please please let it be there.  please please please.

logically, i know it won’t make a difference, because i’m not diving for another week or two, but still, i just want to cradle my scuba equipment and rock back and forth.

ps. i’m really not crazy.

hopes and dreams

2006-07-25T23:32:00.000-05:00

i dream of the business finally getting sold at asking price. hope that it just gets fucking sold.

i dream of liking the new job, which would turn out to be interesting and challenging. hope that i don't get kicked out after the 2nd week.

i dream of diving, floating underwater. hope that my package comes in the mail tomorrow.

(god damn fucking slow shipping, how long does it take to ship some stuff from texas to maryland? fucking inefficient people. um, sorry about the dose of pented up anger)

i dream of things to see, places to go with you. hope that i'm not dreaming.

what i did today

2006-07-24T14:13:00.000-05:00

mares nemo dive watch - $425

dacor viper octo * 2 – $149.90

tusa mini-pressure gauge - $56.95

tank banger - $14.50

one way ticket (IAH-BWI) - $94.80

roundtrip ticket (BWI-BOS) – $138.60

quiting your job after landing a better job and taking a week in between to go visit sister for diving and two weeks after that going on a 3 day liveaboard for scuba and thinking/starting to plan next trip to the carribean - priceless.

can i count my chickens yet?

2006-07-23T23:38:00.000-05:00

if everything goes according to plan, the following will be my to-do list in the morning.

- find out concrete details about my new opportunity.
- hide smile, sit in my cube, hand in notice.
- buy return ticket from houston.
- buy roundtrip ticket to boston.
- buy scuba gear.

but i'm still somewhat not fully at ease. maybe it's because i haven't gotten all the details of the new opportunity yet. is it my pessimistic side that still worries about the things that could go wrong at this point?

i don't think i've ever wished for monday morning to come faster like this.

ps. for future reference, brunch isn't served on saturdays at black market bistro, and there's no red door salon in georgetown. who would've thunk that?

1/1

2006-07-22T02:14:00.000-05:00

And I need you to remember one thing
I came, I saw, I conquered
- "Numb/Encore" Jay Z/ Linkin Park

the elation, the utter joy.
the primal yell, guttural scream in a deserted parking lot at 12:20am.
the first phone call to share my joy with someone i care for.
the 2nd phone call to an longtime buddy, chatting for almost 2 hours.

am i waiting for the other shoe to drop? i don't really care. let it drop, i say. nothing can rain on my parade today.

'tis a good day to be me.

clowning

2006-07-21T00:03:00.000-05:00

interview 1 of the greatJobHunt2006 is slated for this afternoon.

i found this out earlier in the week, and being the ever smart person with incredible foresight, i planned on trying out my clown, i mean, interview costume beforehand.

that was days ago. sure, in my mind, i sorted out what i was going to wear, but i never actually looked at my choices physically.

until just now.

1st choice : conservative look. the combination of a lighter blue button down shirt with a dark blue tie was nixed due to extreme wrinkleness and 2 fang marks on the tie. (do i not feed the fucker enough? why would he chew on my ties?)

2nd choice : boring look. white shirt and a black tie. where the fuck is my white shirt? did the dry clean fairy steal it? i have no recollection at all.

last choice : project runway look. pink vertical striped shirt with a salmon colored tie. sure to amuse certain people, but by process of elimination, i guess that's my clown suit for the dance.

speaking of the suit, there's another disaster. apparently my efforts to get in better shape has made the suit a tad bigger. like i can fit the cat inside my jacket and still button it up with room to spare.

so i will show up at the interview with a non-conservative shirt/tie combo and an oversized suit. couple that with the fact that i'll be taking the metro, one can almost spell d-i-s-a-s-t-e-r.

can't wait.

zzzzzzz

2006-07-19T23:25:00.000-05:00

you go downstairs to get some water, only to see the fucker taking over your pillow in your absence.

asshole.

mr. jones - counting crows

2006-07-19T15:44:00.000-05:00

i’m sitting here in my cube, years removed from that day, and yet i can remember almost every detail.

it was a smoldering hot day, and we were returning from shopping at tysons. My sister’s bf drove, with her sitting in the passenger seat. I had the whole backseat to myself, and of course i just unfurled myself, spreading out across the back.

the sun was setting, but the air was still humid and hot. For some reason, instead of turning on the ac, all the windows were rolled down. Wind tunneling in and out of the windows created a huge racket, but the radio was turned up, trying to drown out the commotion. and i closed my eyes, singing along to this song in my head as i slowly dozed off amidst all the noise.

funny how a song can evoke such memories.

another one

2006-07-19T00:19:00.000-05:00

bites the dust.

i look to my right, and see another tree crashing to the ground. from the outside, it looked sturdy. thick, lush, full of leaves. who knew that inside, it was rotting, dry and hollow?

maybe inevitably, leaves turn brown, branches snap, and luscious trees are reduced to mushroom food.

but maybe, just maybe, instead of fading into darkness, new green sprouts appear, stronger branches replaces older ones, and trees become sturdier as time goes on.

here's hoping.

conflict resolution

2006-07-17T23:42:00.000-05:00

these days, all you hear on the news is war, conflict, bloodshed, hatred. as humans of all shapes, sizes, and color, it's fucking embarassing that we've sunk to this. people are selfish, afterall. each for their own, i suppose.

i refuse to believe that we, mankind, are only capable of so little. cynical as i am, i refuse to believe that. plus, fucking gas prices are killing me.

so, i took it upon myself to save mankind. and here, a fish puke exclusive, i'm glad to announce that after extensive research, i've come to one simple, obvious conclusion.

kofi annan, move aside.

jimmy carter, step.

enter steven seagal.

in every single straight to video movies of his, he saves the world, disabling nuclear (or nuculear, according to bush) weapons, rushes into burning houses to save the kids, dog, cat and parrot. shit, he's even a trained chef in one of his movies.

ok, so i've watched a lot of his stupid retarded movies. i know it's going to suck, but still, somehow i end up renting it. but think about it seriously for a sec. how can you go wrong with that? send him to the middle east, and everyone will stop the madness just to get rid of his pony tailed face.

do i pick up the nobel peace prize now, or will they send it to my house?

thinking

2006-07-16T23:50:00.000-05:00

after the ass whooping i got on the links during this past weekend, it suddenly dawned on me.

i'm over-thinking this whole golf swing thing.

countless idle hours were spent visualizing the perfect (or what i perceive to be perfect) swing, and more were spent trying to figure out how to execute said swing.

but then when you're on the course and you're standing over the ball, maybe it's time to shut of your brain, swing and see where the tiny dimpled ball flies towards.

maybe sometimes we have, in our pea brains, what the perfect execution is, and we tend to overthink it, trying to get as close to it as possible. maybe we should just try and see how it turns out?

i mean, thinking was never my forte anyways.

sunday night conversations

2006-07-16T23:32:00.000-05:00

me : dude, i feel like i'm on queer eye, except, you know, you're not gay.

tin lion : well, that and you dress better than i do.

me : um, yeah. i don't wear cutoff jean shorts.

honestly

2006-07-14T00:08:00.000-05:00

is honesty the best policy?

so i've approached this new adventure with a "what you see is what you get" approach. no false pretenses, no costume masks. i was never really that great at acting anyways.

no matter how hard it is to tell the truth, of my past, of how i feel, of what i see, it comes out unfiltered. it's my past, my thoughts, and be it good or bad, it's part of me, and i should share it, right?

sure sounds good, doesn't it? Theoretically, it's good. very "hollywood movie"-like. but then i was sitting there this afternoon, thinking, and we all know nothing good ever comes out of that.

honesty is good, but opening up like this, isn't this just somewhat setting up myself for all kinds of pain? plus, there goes my whole "mysterious and hard to grasp" angle.

sure, it's not an optimistic view of things, but i'm sure that one has to consider the possibility. i do not pretend to know what'll happen. it's a chance i'm taking, i reckon, and no matter what goes down, i guess i can always say i did it my way.

history tends to repeat itself

2006-07-12T13:12:00.000-05:00

so it is said, and so it shall be done.

hmm..sound familiar? well, i think i said something to the same effect.

and now, it’s time to play that game again.

a self imposed timeline gives me until the beginning of August to find a new paid web surfing position. or my vacation starts in August. place your bets now, lady and gents. either way, it should be a good month.

good times, exciting times.

Вы не должны прочитать это

2006-07-12T10:40:00.000-05:00

can't help but be disappointed by it. don't want to feel this way, but just can't help it. somehow, maybe mistakenly, i thought that i'd get the benefit of the doubt.

not anger, not bewilderment, not disbelief, just disappointment.

it just came out of no where and punched me in the face, then head butted me in the chest (hardy har har). maybe it was just unrealistic of me to think that way.

that’s all you think of me?

summer night

2006-07-10T17:35:00.000-05:00

before you knew it, the air had cooled down. the sun had set, taking along with it some of the heat and humidity, leaving behind a slight, cool breeze.

the small patch of grass was not a prime spot, regardless of how you look at it. But it hardly mattered, did it? she was sitting next to me, and that was enough.

the show started, we ate, talked, laughed and danced (well, she did). i held her close, took a deep breath, and all was right.

too bad the night had to end.

laa dee laa

2006-07-10T16:33:00.000-05:00

It’s hard out here for a pimp.  especially if you have ADD like me.  and also, not a pimp.

you set out to complete a task, but along the way, every minor thing distracts you, tempting you to divert from the set path.  and you try to resist.  but your brain doesn’t listen.  it wants to surf the web, read a book, start a new task.  sometimes you win the battle, sometimes your brain does.

but when you have oh, let’s see, 50 things constantly swimming in your head at every single waking moment (and sometimes even when you’re asleep), your ADD wins the battle pretty much every single time.

it goes like this.

ok.  this needs to be done.  let’s do it.  step 1, done.  step 2, um, shit, i gotta do that too.  let’s see.  hmm, then that pops up in your head, and your mind wanders for a bit.  crap, i still gotta finish this and start that.  and so it goes on and on and on.

half a day later, your list is still full, everything’s incomplete, still on your plate, and you feel like you’ve accomplished nothing, which is kinda true, i suppose.

so you sit there, ignore everything, and start blogging.

whoops

2006-07-10T11:58:00.000-05:00

and so it may seem that my exit strategery i was hoping for might not matriculate. whoops. talk about counting your chickens before the eggs hatch. or counting your eggs before the chicken lays it, depending on your belief on the whole “which came first, chicken or egg” debate. anyways, i digress. fucking add.

i guess that puts me in an awkward position. almost like i dropped the bar of soap, and Bruno’s standing behind me with a grin on his face. mentally, i’ve already checked out, cruising till i drop my 2 weeks, but then now, it seems that i might have to delay my exit a bit. shit.

time to update my wonderful resume with a lot of sweet nothings and float it out to sea, in search of suckers who’ll bite.

deep conversation

2006-07-07T13:09:00.000-05:00

i sat there, dejected.

you don’t love me. do you?
why? why don’t you love me?
i love you. do you love me? no?
well, i hate you too.

and the stupid cat just sat there staring at me for a sec, then proceeded to lick his paws.

how to effectively use your lunch hour

2006-07-06T15:22:00.000-05:00

so i like to shop. nothing wrong with that. ok. maybe like is a little bit of an understatement. whatever.

something about shopping during lunch hour, trying on stuff in a huge fitting room that makes it even more appealing.

i wonder why.

sugar

2006-07-05T23:20:00.000-05:00

once upon a time, someone taught me how to cook. hopeless as i was (am), he patiently showed me all the ingredients and equipment. he then showed me how to actually put said ingredients together, and using the equipment, produce an edible meal. he took it seriously, and wanted me to do the same, but me, i thought "it's only cooking. who the fuck really cares?"

of all the cooking tidbits he tried to pass on to me, the one thing that got stuck in my head was him telling me that too much sugar turns sweetness into bitterness. i never really believed it. "what the fuck have you been smoking? sugar canes?" to me, sweet is sweet. how can too much of it turn something good into its opposite?

somehow, it all made sense tonight. sometimes when you want to make something sweeter, you keep on adding sugar, and before you know it, you've gone overboard and a perfectly good entree is no longer.

gotta watch how much sugar you add to the equation, special ed.

big stride

2006-07-03T15:22:00.000-05:00

i’m standing at the edge, looking out.

i want to jump off, based solely on the belief that when i’m about to land, solid ground will somehow miraculously appear, saving me. but knowing my luck, i’ll end up splashing face first into a pool of dirty nasty sewage runoff. and something will hold me down and force me to take a few gulps of it. or something.

so i will, for now, still stand here, right on the edge, trying to convince myself to stay a bit longer, whilst longing to take the giant stride off into the blue.

come on, come on, let’s go.

leftovers

2006-07-02T23:42:00.000-05:00

2 minutes. press start.

the light comes on, and the plate starts spinning.

i stand to the side, with another bowl in my hand. this one doesn't need to be heated up. i'll just eat that out of this bowl. i peer in and see a few chunks of avocado floating around. yummy.

i hear a popping sound. i guess it's done. i take the plate out into the living room and sit sit down.

coffee's poured from the french press. a small forkful of cold salad is taken in, followed by a piece of tenderloin.

i take a moment to savour the moment, the taste. guess it wasn't my imagination afterall.

"It's times like these you learn to live again"
-Times like these, Foo Fighters

iron chef what?

2006-06-29T23:07:00.000-05:00

cat lounging on fridge watching me putz around the kitchen.

after 2 hrs of running around, buying the necessary equipment, ingredients for my big project, i actually spent another few hours completing it.

wow.

i know. for other peeps, maybe it is nothing, but for the allergic to cooking me? it wasn't the norm. i have to admit though, it was pretty fun. it turned out ok, i guess. haven't really tasted it yet, but it looks somewhat like what its supposed to look like. tomorrow shall be the guinea pig day, either it turns out ok or i get food poisoning. we'll see.

all this for a skirt.

i see burnt stuff in the future

2006-06-28T15:18:00.000-05:00

bravado.

that shit’ll get you in trouble.

hiding behind that cloak of false invincibility, you will find that certain things come out of your mouth unexpectedly, shocking even yourself. For that instant, maybe you’ll feel really good about it, but inevitably, you’ll find yourself crouched up in the corner, rocking back and forth, thinking to yourself “what the fuck did i just get myself into?”

crème brule? CRÈME BRULE?

here fishy fishy fishy

2006-06-27T23:37:00.000-05:00

this is purely for my own enjoyment. something to stop me from smacking every single coworker of mine (well, maybe except one). something about going to my happy place or something.

--------------------

with a sly, slightly mischievous, i-know-something-you-don't smile on her face, she sits there, across from me. Strands of her hair cascades down the front, semi-covering her right eye. her face is tilted slightly downwards, but she's looking right at me.

i study the freckles on her face, trace the upward curling of her lips with my eyes, see her hand moving her hair out of her face, stare into her big brown eyes.

and i get lost.

note to self

2006-06-27T00:13:00.000-05:00

go to bed earlier, you fumbduck.

cigarettes and coffee can only hold you up for so long.

rain, rain go away

2006-06-27T00:09:00.000-05:00

come again another day.

it rained and rained. patches of heavy downpour sandwiched between brief spurts of relief.

i stood there, right under the entrance, staring out at the ghost town of a parking lot, thinking of those who left while it was still light out. i took a cigarette out of my pocket and hesitated a bit before lighting it up.

shit, i'm not supposed to be smoking here, am i? ah, fuck it. it's pouring. what the fuck are they gonna do?

so i stood there for a good 5 minutes, waiting for the rain to let up, wondering why i was even there at that time of day. it's hard to get motivated when you no longer care, and yet i was still there. sometimes i don't understand myself.

the rain didn't let up at all, so i just flicked the cigarette off somewhere, and strolled through the rain, jumping in puddles along the way.

rose

2006-06-26T00:19:00.000-05:00

What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;

a name is only a label attached by others to define what it means to them. i used to want to label everything, but now i've realized that not everything we have in our lives can be cleanly labelled. somethings are in between definitions and doesn't fit into a clear cut box.

know what it means to you, and let that be it.

for once in a fucking long long time, i'm content, even though i can't really put a name to it.

maybe a few belly dancers had to do with it? i do not know.

i smell trouble

2006-06-21T16:43:00.000-05:00

so i faxed in that stuff.

after procrastinating for months and months, i finally did it. with blind faith and no research, i decided to finally commit. ouch. blimpie flashback, anyone? this almost reminds me of how i choose stocks. pure instincts, no research. i seem to think that i can fucking will it to go the way i want it to. only i don’t have any control in this once i’m in.

it almost doesn’t seem real, playing with equity. it’s just numbers. you don’t feel the weight of the money. once in a while, you’ll have a moment of clarity and put things in perspective, only to realize that you’re playing with a somewhat significant amount of money. but then that moment never lasts, and you forget it as easily as you take a breath.

funny how some poor fuck like me can play around with paper money and have so many chances to get in trouble.

oh, i’m in so much fucking trouble.

jab

2006-06-20T23:08:00.000-05:00

turn the music on. not that loud. it’s late, and the neighbors are asleep.

wrap your left wrist first. make sure it’s tight. now do the right hand. make it snug, but don’t cut off circulation, dumb ass.

ok. let’s go.

right jab. jab. left straight. concentrate.

watch your steps.

breathe. jab. jab.

bob. weave. duck. move.

take it easy on the wrist, will you? space yourself better.

breathe. don’t think. concentrate.

feel the burn. don’t stop. keep going. keep those arms up a bit longer.

you finally stop. sweat dripping from your forehead, and you wipe them off with your hand wraps. you labor to catch your breath, leaning forward, hands on knees.

after a while, your body recovers, calms down, and your mind starts to wander again. a smile creeps up on you, and you feel a certain optimism in you.

with the smile still lingering, you stand up, face the bag again, and take on round 2.

meow

2006-06-19T00:03:00.000-05:00

crazy cat picture posting person strikes again!

ba ba

2006-06-18T23:36:00.000-05:00

when i grow up, i want to be just like my dad.

yesterday was fathers day. for the past 10 yrs, all that meant for me was a phone call back home and a 3 minute conversation with him. we talk a bit about golf, he asks me if everything's ok with me, and we end the conversation, always with him saying "you take care, ok?"

my dad grew up in a small town, poor. but somehow he turned that into a college education in taiwan, a masters degree in the university of kansas, a few years working on wall st in nyc, his own insurance company, an electronics factory, and now a plastic injection/molding factory.

through ups and downs, he always came home, leaving all the baggage outside the door. never once would he take out his frustration on his family. his job was the protector, and protect us he did. even now, he'll just smile when i ask him about the downs he went through. smile and say "when you grow older, i'll tell you."

i imagine the path he took, the difficulties he had to overcome to get to where he is now, and i can only admire the dedication, hard work and determination. maybe the last generation really was built stronger than this one. put me in his shoes, and i'm not sure i can even take one step, let alone walk a mile.

i strive to be just like him, and if i turn out to be only a fraction of the person my dad turned out to be, i'll be fine in life.

happy fathers day, ba.

sticky

2006-06-17T02:24:00.000-05:00

just as things were progressing at a nice, steady pace, complications arise.

sure, i expected them at some point in time, just not right now. i wanted to enjoy this unbridled joy a bit longer. but things are the way they are, and i'm actually ok with it. dealing with the issues that arise are just part of the equation, i guess.

what will become of those bumps on the road? will i be successful in navigating past them? that, i do not know. all i know is i'll try. that's all i can do, i reckon. let the chips fall where they may.

it does feel kind of alive to actually care enough to want to jump through hurdles though.

wanting

2006-06-15T00:24:00.000-05:00

you look over, and you see the corner of her mouth dancing as she's talking.

you want to reach over and trace the silhouette of her face, just to feel her skin under your finger.

you want to lean in, get in real close, and whisper something in her ear, your face brushing against hers.

you want to gently brush your lips against hers, feeling the heat from her lips, hearing your pulse race.

but somehow, you don't.

and you're left wanting.

man, i wish i were a cat

2006-06-13T23:24:00.000-05:00

weekend by the numbers

2006-06-13T10:36:00.000-05:00

total golf time : 12 hrs.
time debating if we should go to AC : 1 hr
drive up to AC : 3.5 hrs
gambling : 6 hrs
number of playable hands : 10
number of hands won : 3
number of times i cussed out the world : 3489962895
amount of cash donated to the AC township : 22849 (yen) / 5407 (rubles) / 200 (usd)
number of crack whores seen : 0
number of strippers visited : 0
time we departed AC : what time did i lose all my money?
time spent eating breakfast at mcD : 15 minutes
time spent driving before fading and finding spot to nap : 10 minutes
time spent napping at location 1 : 1 hr
time spent driving before fading again : 20 minutes
time spent locating perfect napping spot with shade : 10 minutes
time spent on 2nd nap : 2 hrs
time spent napping after somehow miraculously getting home : 3 hrs.
text messages received/sent during said nap : 2
phone calls during said nap : 3
phone calls that i can remember the actual conversation : 1
time spent staring : 4 hrs
time spent crying over my non-existant golf game : 1.5
time spent trying not to kill grey fluff for rubbing it in : 4

so it takes a weekend of getting your ass kicked in golf to feel humble, to feel that ok, maybe you’re not that good, no matter what your delusional mind kept on telling you.

it’s ok. sure, i’m hurting like a skinned cat right now, but mark my words, grey fluffy fuck, the day shall come once again, in the near future, where i will be able to look at your 270 yd drives, straight 7 wood, precision chips and dead-on putts and spit in it’s face.

because i am ed.

96

2006-06-09T00:00:00.000-05:00

not 69, you fucking pervs.

my grandma turned 96 today.

naturally, it was another occassion for the dysfunctional bunch (taiwanese edition) to celebrate her birthday. and me, i was obligated to attend said function. it was either attend or have my mom scream at me for the next 10 yrs about it. i should've just moved out of the area, or at least told them that, when i had the chance.

so instead being somewhere else and doing something that i might actually enjoy, i get to deal with 1 cranky 96 yr old, 1 nagging mom, 2 uncles that i see twice a yr and never get past "hi", 1 aunt who probably hates being there more than i do, a married cousin, her husband and her two kids that makes me want to neuter myself so i never produce such offsprings.

ever had a 90 minute dinner in complete silence? no? you should come have dinner with us someday. i guess it probably is somewhat of an uncomfortable silence, but i've gotten so used to it i actually find it funny.

it's actually quite sad, when you com to think about it. here's a whole bunch of blood relatives that deep down inside, cares a lot about each other. but they suck at conveying that through words or actions. they bicker about the minor stuff at every opportunity. i can't even begin to count how many screaming and yelling episodes i've been a witness to.

but somehow, we managed to make it through dinner without spitting at each other, or gauging someone else's eyes out, so it was a success afterall, relatively. ha ha. get it? relatively.

can't wait till the next fucking family gathering.

i swear i had a point when i started writing this

2006-06-08T15:41:00.000-05:00

this is not normal.

for me, at least.

imagine that i'm walking along a narrow path, minding my own business. birds were chirping, bees buzzing and all those images that evoke peaceful happy world peace emotions.

then the clouds moved in. the day became dark and the wind started to pick up. cows, houses, cars etc started cutting through the sky. just imagine the movie Twister, and instead of bill pullman and helen hunt, put me in there. so i'm there, dodging cows, Volvos, left and right, getting drenched and just generally battered by all kinds of shit.

now, get this. suddenly, i don't feel the wind blowing around me, and the pattering of raindrops against my skin is gone. i look, and the rain is still pouring, the wind still howling. The raindrops splatter and start to roll down to the ground before it reaches me. i see branches dancing in the wind, but i don't feel it. It's almost as if there's a protective coat around me.

and i stand here, stunned. this is abnormal for me. Things are going wrong everywhere, but somehow, it's not getting to me. Things around me are still in a crazy unorganized state, but somehow, i'm ok with it.

me? i'm just stunned. just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

sniff sniff

2006-06-05T00:06:00.000-05:00

what's this little smoking shit?

by special request

2006-06-02T00:10:00.000-05:00

stupid cat chilling in bed

lost photos of cozumel 06

2006-05-31T23:27:00.000-05:00

it was brought to my attention (through constant bitching by a certain someone who shall remain anonymous who has a grey fluffy cat) that i was negligent in documenting his experience in cozumel through photography.

thus, i fired up my camera and realized that i had indeed taken pictures of him exploring the underwater world. here and now, i share the lost pictures with the great readers of my blog.

here he is, taunting an eel of some kind. i warned him not to get too close, but all he mumbled was "unagi, unagi". sensing that my logic would not be able to combat his low IQ, i decided to document the event.

here he is, up close and personal with a starfish. notice how the attention hog looked at the camera to make sure his face was captured in the shot. has he no shame? i do not know.

i think this is the best picture of them all. it captures his "at one"ness with the underwater world. he morphed himself to adapt to the underwater conditions, and thus was able to navigate through the corals in perfect form. i envy his buoyancy control.

don't say i never documented your adventures underwater, buddy. hope those pictures bring back wonderful memories.

win/lose

2006-05-30T22:36:00.000-05:00

i guess it's not really if you win or lose. it's that you're somehow in the game?

at this point, i've given up trying to figure out myself or anything else in this crazy world. the moment i think i've figured out some resemblance of a pattern, i realize that i don't know anything.

so i'm left lying here at 1am on a workday, with a half asleep furball lying next to me, purring to no end.

Perspective

2006-05-28T23:03:00.000-05:00

on any single dive, no two people will see have the same experience, see the same exact things. so everything's a matter of perspective. your point of view, the context in which you set things in.

but this, i can't really decipher what it is. i've looked at it from every possible angle, and yet, i still can't draw a conclusion that i'm confident about. sure, i could venture a guess, but there's absolutely no certainty to it. well, i've learnt to just drift along with the current and see where it leads you to.

at least i'm underwater.

28

2006-05-17T09:00:00.000-05:00

sometime before noon EST on Thursday, May 11th till May 15th around 4:30pm, i stood still as the rest of the world kept on chugging.

for those few days, i did not turn my cell phone on, check my email, use the computer, read the paper or watch the news.  half the time i didn’t even know what time or what day it was.  it was as tranquil as i had felt in a long long time.

it was a mellow existence.  wake up, get some breakfast, go dive.  have a late lunch, then lounge around the pool for a bit, take a nap, then dive more.  go into town, have dinner, smoke a Cuban cigar and pass out before you hit the pillow.

the dives were incredible.  it was just gliding along with the current (and sometimes against it), suspended in the middle of the ocean, looking at the underwater world.  look up, you see rays of sunlight filter through the surface, sinking and eventually disappearing around you.  look down, only to see the darkness of a seemingly endless abyss below.  you shiver a bit, so you start looking around you, and you see all the critters going about their business.

puffers and boxfishes zipping around the corals.  lobsters hiding in caves, their antennas twitching around, detecting intruders.  a turtle gently gliding along the water, oblivious to our presence;  moray eels resting in a small hole, only to snarl at us when our presence was discovered.  a spotted stingray, cutting through the water effortless, with its long tail floating behind it;  little cleaner shrimps cleaning and resting on bubble anemones, fishes the size of my head wandering around the coral reefs.  it was truly one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life.

in the evenings, a Cuban cigar in hand, sitting on the balcony, watching the darkness of the ocean.  far away, you see the bright lights of a bigger town across the water.  i turned older sitting on the balcony.  i reflect, only to realize that as years go by, complicity of life increases, and my certainty of what i know decreases drastically.  friends, foes and everything in between has become a chore.  money, status and prestige, they’re a good goal to set your standards to, but more and more, i’m unclear if that’s my purpose.

so i just take another puff of my Epicure No. 2, lean back, listen to the waves crashing into the beach, close my eyes, and just enjoy the little slice of serenity that i am afforded.