lost opportunities

this has got to be the longest pms period for a man ever recorded.

i might as well be sedated. the urge to go out and do something, interact with anything has greatly diminished : for those who know me, you know how alarming that is. i'm not even talking to my cat as much anymore.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, I am scared of the hollowness and emptiness of my life; as if all I have to look forward to from now on is but a dark screen, waiting for death to claim me. I think at my past and rue the opportunites that have gone by, waiting for me to put my hand out to grab it; all whilst i was day dreaming of things of no substance.

I had wanted to compromise with Fate: to escape occasional great agonies by submitting to a whole life of privation and small pains.
-Villette by Charlotte Bronte

it could very well be that I entered into a pact with Fate (not fat) with similar stipulations. A life of uneventful peacefulness in exchange for one of immense ups and downs. Maybe it was well worth it at that time; maybe i just do not remember what the tremendous downs feel like.

maybe i'll wake up tomorrow