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Monday, October 17, 2005

forehead, meet nail

i'm not of low intellect. i understand the events and facts that surround me . I understand perfectly the circumstances of the situation. case in point? written exactly one month ago, on september 17th during a drunken rant :

"but this feeling will turn into excruciating pain sooner or later. trying to obtain the unobtainable is fun in the beginning, but it always turns into despair."

yet, i refuse to stop. i understand the consequences. i won't yield, i just can't. i refuse to absorb any signs that would make a normal, sane person stop. i acknowledge said facts, but i just don't want to give up.

i've always followed my instincts, my feelings. sure, it has not always led me to the greatest of results, in fact, it's led me down the oppotiste path many times, but that's how i choose to live. Sometimes the chips just don't fall the way you envision, so you pick yourself up from the ground and make the best of what you're left with. this is the path i choose, and if it comes to this, then so be it. i can deal with it.

but here's the thing with following your instincts. it's illogical. there's no way to reason with it. there's no telling it "because of A, B and C, XY is the only result". simply said, your instincts can and often conflict with your logical analysis of the situation. You know what a sane person would do, and you can try to convince yourself of the merits of that path, but really deep down inside, you know you're mind's already made up, and you're just going through the motions. you're often left with just a constant flux of second-guessing.

i don't really even bother with trying to convince myself to take the logical path anymore when it comes to certain things. i just go with what i want, damn the consequences.

how's that for attempting to use a logical explaination to justify my illogical behavior?


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