loss

a friend's mother is currently in the hospital. the doctors aren't sure if she'll pull through the night.

i have not spoken to him since i found out. i don't know what to say, what to do. i guess i just don't handle situations like this too well. i want to be there, to see if there's anything that i can do to help, but i don't want to barge in on them at this moment.

i don't handle death very well. or more precisely, i don't know how to handle it. i do not fear for my own demise, it's the loss of those that i hold dear that scares me to no end. the sense of loss is something that i do not know how to handle.

my parents shielded us from funerals growing up. i remember once, we drove to one of my distant aunt's house to relay our condolences after finding out that my uncle passed away. that's the closest thing to confronting death during my childhood.

the only instance of death that truly affected me was the loss of bibi. i just remember feeling numb. i didn't know how to feel, what to feel. i cried a lot, but mostly i was just numb. i just remember clinging to hope, then when all hopes were dashed, i retreated into a shell.

tonight's made me think about my parents. i dread the day that i am in my friend's shoes. i don't know how i'll handle it.

don't know why, but i called my parents after i found out the news.