smack that snooze button like it owes you money

So here’s the thing with not being a morning person.

you get out of bed 30 minutes after the alarm goes off. You know you should get out of bed like now, but you wait till the last possible minute to wake up, and you have oh, roughly 5 minutes to get out the door. So you work fast and efficient, finding ways to multi-task to get out of the door faster. For example, you try to change while you’re brushing your teeth, or piss while you’re feeding the cat and wearing your socks. You know, just simple stuff like that.

Sure, you get the extra 10 minutes of naptime, but then you somehow always end up paying the price in different ways.

Like the days when you forget to bring your building pass and have to enter/leave the building through one single entrance. you have to sign in, and the security guard look at you like you’re the biggest retard on earth, and then buzzes you into or out of the building the whole day.

Or

the days when everyone on the highway inexplicably becomes retarded idiots who can’t drive over 10 mph because there’s actually sunlight around them. There’s these things called sunglasses, people. You know the big black things on 95 yr old grandma’s eyes when they’re driving their Lincoln town car? Yup. Those things. Thus you end up at work 35 minutes late. And you swear that you’ll wake up earlier tomorrow. But you never do.

Or

the time when you’re 2 minutes away from the house, but realized that you forgot your wallet at home, and you debate internally if you have time to go home and grab it. soon, you realize that you don’t even have time to stop for red lights, let alone go home to grab a wallet. you wonder what you’re going to do for lunch before you realize that you have some change in the car, so you decide that you're good for the day. you get to work, and walk into the office with a whole bunch of loose change sitting in your pockets. you count it, and realize that you actually don't have that much after all.

So, um, what can I get for $2.85?