96+10

large social settings were never my forte, you see. the sweet-nothings, the commotion, the human interactions often overwhelm my pea brain.

that is how i find myself standing outside the restaurant, smoking a cigarette.

i peer inside, eyeing the groups of mingling people. something gets stirred up inside of me, maybe it’s envy, maybe it’s just bad Italian food. i take a drag of my cigarette and will it away, but it lingers.

memories flood back, none of them good. the mistakes of youth, the naivety of the future, the missed opportunities all come rushing to the forefront. let bygones be bygones, i tell myself. live in the present, live in the now.

i see doctors, lawyers, professionals through the window. somehow i catch my reflection in the glass window and i can’t see anything. what have i been doing all this time? your peers have moved on, moved up, and i’m lagging behind.

feelings of inadequacy consumes me. part of me tells me that i’m ok, i’m not doing that bad, and part of me berates me, telling me how i’ve failed, how i’m nothing, how i need to stop screwing around and find some direction in my life.

you know you’ve had this conversation with yourself once too many when you don’t even remember how many times you’ve done this. i don't even try to get a resolution. i know better. no matter how i slice it, i can't find any answers.

i crack a small, bitter smile, put the cigarette in my mouth, take a deep drag, and tell the demons to fuck off.

maybe the next 10 will fare better for me.