shampoo

I am what I am and what I am is who I am
I know what I know and all I know is that I fell
If only I could walk through the walls
then maybe I would tell you who I was
Yet I am just a man still learning how to fall

• Falling Man, Blonde Redhead

first day of spring. i keep on thinking that i’m forgetting something, that this day holds some sort of significance to my being, but i can’t remember. or don’t want to remember. don’t know which one’s the truth, but somehow, it doesn’t really make a difference anyways.

you know how you’re taking a shower, and you’re lost in a web of thoughts, ideas, fantasies, when all of a sudden, you see that you’re holding the bottle of shampoo in your hand. so you pause. you vaguely remember that you had already shampooed, but maybe it was yesterday? or was it 30 seconds ago? so you stand there, debating if it was reality or just a shard of your fractured imagination. in the end, you can never really figure it out one way or the other.

so you turn the water off, grab a towel and wipe your ass.

:)

DC.  PA.  PADI.  BWI.  CO.  IAH.  CZM.  28.

self realization

so this year hasn't been one of my greater years so far. obviously. if i were smarter, waking up with needling pain in your wrist on the 2nd day of the yr probably would've told me so. but i'm not that smart, so let's move on.

the year, with my inability to escape into golf, coupled with the awkward situation of a failing business, has taken a great toll on me.

mentally, i've never been this stressed. even in my sleep it haunts me. i've failed. sure, the monetary losses hurt, but more so, it's pride. it's a wake up call that i'm really not that capable. i aspire to do bigger things, but i can't even succeed in this small endeavour. it's a bad reflection of my being. to myself, to those around me. can i honestly say i gave it my all? i don't know.

with the failure of the business, i've become more obsessed with the sucess of others. why do they succeed and move forward, whilst i not only stand still, but even move backwards? am i destined to be the failed story of the bunch?

i can't let that happen. i won't.

but how?