thursday night musings

once upon a time, i thought i knew what i wanted, and i followed that path. i did what i thought would make me happy.

now, 20/600 later, i'm no long filled with such conviction. in it's place lies a variety of different emotions.

regret.
self doubt.
sadness.
uncertainty.
nothingness.

the things that have plagued me is still clouding me. i still don't know what makes me happy. but i see clearly now what does not make me unhappy.

have i grown? probably not. people like me don't change. they just see things clearer from time to time.

and so it is done

i handed in my 2 weeks notice, and on july 15th, 2005, i will no longer be employed.

time to step up the job hunting.

crap.

why can't jobs just fall into my lap? you mean i actually have to put an effort into searching for jobs?

i like my car

for the longest time i forgot about the night.

the serenity of it all. the tranquility of being on the road alone, with only darkness and your thoughts surrounding you.

i think the solidarity suits me. only me, the car and the wind blowing through the windows.

if only i could bring the cat with me.

letter of resignation

since Lando's coming back soon (tomorrow, i believe), the time has come for me to formulate my formal letter of resignation.

here's what i have so far:

June 28, 2005

Dear Lando,

I am writing to you today to officially tender my resignation from BGR effective July 15th.

After 4 years of not going anywhere, doing all the shitty grunt work, being underpaid and underappreciated, I never thought I’d leave BGR, but then I realized that my dislike for this job is even greater than my love for anything else in my life. I’ve simply had enough.

Thank you for the opportunities that were promised but never materialized.

Sincerely,

Ed



hmm, subtlety is definitely one of my stronger suits.

steps

first, post car for sale ad on craigslist.org.

second, pray someone comes along and buys it while i wash and vacumm it tomorrow.

third, find way to get m3 in the meantime.

forth, learn how to drive stick without stalling at every single stop sign/ red light.

hmmm... shouldn't job hunting be on this list somehow? i need something to light a fire under my lard filled ass about looking for jobs more seriously. i'm way way too nonchalant about it. maybe i'll get more motivated when i see my bank account balance dwindling in a few weeks. eek.

fucking ADD

i was talking to my sister this past weekend, and apparently she agress that i have ADD too.

want proof?

i'm working on my resume, and 2 lines into it, i open IE and start surfing. i finish an article, and then i do some work stuff, only to go back to working on my resume after a couple minutes. i then opened up blogger and started writing about my ADD.

i would take meds to control it, but then i'm afraid it would kill my wonderful, vibrant personality.

(it's 5 minutes after the last paragraph. i just checked my email and wimbledon results and mardy fish's website and dana's dirt. god, i'm useless.)

serenity

i'm 3 weeks away from being unemployed.

yes, it's my choice, but somehow i thought i'd be more stressed out than this. strangely enough, it's actually the opposite. maybe this is the calm before the storm.

i'm not really stressed out about not having a job lined up yet. i think i should be, but i'm not. weird.

i'm kinda stressed out about the other things, but i think it'll turn out ok. i hope it will, anyways.

so i came into work today with a big smile.

world poker tour, here i come

i just won $0.35 playing poker online for about 15 minutes. at work.

i'm such a kick ass gambler.

dandan

i know it's out of focus, but work with me, people, i'm using a stupid automatic camera here.

what a waste of a weekend

- there's a place called assawoman bay in maryland.

- 36 hrs straight with my relatives make ed go crazy.

- there's a lot of girls with russian accents working in ocean city.

- it was senior week. yes, high school senior week.

- i've never felt so dirty and perverted my whole fucking life.

who wants to publish me?

bet you Frost couldn't have come up with something as insightful as this.

burnt out

i’m supposed to be performing my job, one that has afforded me the capability to own my own house, feed my cat, and get some crack from time to time.

But here i am, sitting at work, working on my resume.

i’m burnt out. i no longer have the urge to do anything at this job anymore. maybe it's not this job. maybe it's the field. i can't imagine myself doing this for another 5 years, let alone 30 years.

Time to move on to a different venture, i believe.

so it is written, so it shall be done.

not guilty

so the us justice system is a sham, isn't it?

who cares if he really did sleep with mcauley culkin? or that he gave alcohol to little kids? or that he had "sleepovers" with them?

after 4 months, we still don't know how exactly he bleached his skin white. did he peroxide it? did he use a loofah and kept on scrubbing? how does he get his nose to stay on his face?

the DA really dropped the ball on this. this was our one chance at knowing the truth, but he fucked it up.

thanks a lot, Thomas Sneddon.

*grabs crotch and moonwalks out of the room*

retard say "huh"?

why do i look like a special ed. student everytime i take a picture?

i think it's because the cameras can't handle my beautifulness. yes. that must be it. it's the only explaination.

weekend plan

saturday
run a few miles in the morning. hmm..let's make it mid-morning.
shower, get a cup of coffee, read the paper, work on resume. gawk at girls nearby in between activities.
come home, chill with dandan, take a nap.
play some online poker at night, watch tv, cook some food, go to bed.

sunday
vacuum the whole house.
sweep floor.
gather trash.
sort mail.
trim amazonian bush in front of house.


wonder how many of those things i'll actually end up accomplishing.

maturity

my friends and i are mature people. we constantly sit around, debating philosophy, the meaning of life and other metaphysical topics. it's very evident by the following conversation that took place this afternoon.

me : i think i need prozac.
tin lion : i think you need to get laid.
me : hmm. i think prozac would be better.

*pause*

me : i'd be willing to prove you right though.

burn in hell

so i guess this is what it will feel like after i die.

the ac unit's blowing, but cold air's not coming out. i might as well be sitting in a sauna. the air outside's just a bit cooler, but the humidity makes it tough to bear. so either way, i'm doomed to sweat.

it's really not all that bad though. it gives me an excuse to saunter around in my full nakedness, parading for all to see.

fun fun fun.

tread carefully, ed

be wary of where your foot lands. think before each step. don't wake up one day and find yourself in too deep.

maybe somethings are better left undisturbed.

hi, my name is ed

and i have a gambling problem.

i've just funded my online poker account. yes, yes i have.

any bets on how much the $50 will last?

what i learnt in vegas

- don't forget your sunblock if you're teeing off at noon in vegas.

- sleep's overrated. just gamble and drink coffee.

- don't get "2 girl at once" lapdance. it's not worth it.

- stop while you're ahead.

- time doesn't exist in vegas. 6am is the same as 6pm.

- no limit texas hold'em is addicting. so is winning money.

- i can actually play poker for 9 hours straight.

- blackjack sucks, 3 card poker hates me and video poker laughs at me.