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Thursday, March 31, 2005

goodnight, my friends

it's past 1:30am, and i'm wide awake. been tossing and turning in bed for a while now, and somehow i just can't stop thinking. everything's still as murky as yesterday. shit, isn't it supposed to get better?

i think i need to go on a hiatus.

so i bid you goodnight. see you guys when i wake up.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

stuck on repeat

for the past 2 days, no matter if it's at work or in the car, i've been playing "sleep like a child".

that's the song that calms me down right now, making me feel better. sometimes, it even lulls me to a point where my brain stops thinking for just a couple seconds. maybe it's the lyrics, or just the music, i don't know.

at this point, honestly, i don't really care. if you told me that sticking a thumb up a monkey's butt would make me feel better, i'd probably even try it.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005





listening to:

Sleep like a Child - Joss Stone

i feel unsettled. mind's racing in 10 different directions at once, and i'm fidgety.

you know how you're full of anticipation and excitement when you're expecting a package in the mail? that's exactly how i feel, yet there's nothing i'm waiting for.

things do get easier as the number of days increase, but when it strikes, it hurts no less than it did when the first blow was administered.

so let's raise our glasses, and hope for a good night's slumber tonight.

Monday, March 28, 2005


i can't recall anytime ever in my career that i've actually looked forward to coming into work at all. execept today.

feel like dog shit today, but work's good for me today. keep me occupied and maybe i'll find solace from these few hours of work.

i'm actually looking for work to give me peace of mind? wow, i'm fucked.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

not a worry in the world


= a full tummy, "who cares what happens" attitude and a good night's sleep.


is that all you got?

the mind's a fucking useless thing.

it fucks with me. fuck with me all day, all night, every fucking day, every fucking second.

but it's ok. i'll live. i've dealt with it all my life, and i will fucking survive this shit and come out on top.

you want to fucking kill me? you'll have to do better than that, you fucking useless mind.


the wooden chair is stiff and uncomfortable. the left front leg is just a tad shorter than the rest, making it an unintentional rocking chair as i shift my weight around.

all the walls in this room are white. no a dull white, but a glazed over shiny white. the ceiling, the floor, it's all white.

there is no door. trust me, i've checked. no windows, no doors. how did i ever get in here? that's the question i've been asking myself for what seems to be forever. time is of no essence in this room, it seems.

so i sit on the chair and wait. for what? i don't know.

after an eternity, or at least what felt like an eternity, i notice a black dot on the wall of one of the corners in the room. it wasn't there before, i swear. i've looked over every damn inch of this room and found nothing.

i stand up and walk over to that corner. i hesitated, but then, what's a black dot going to do to me?

the dot's small, as if someone came into the room with a black felt pen and gingerly touched the wall with it. i touch it with my left index finger, and watch some of it smear off on my finger. i look around, but still i see no sign of anyone. i take a sniff of the smear on my finger, and find that it's odorless. another puzzled look around the room, but still no answers.

sitting back down on the chair, i'm still wondering how the dot got there in the first place. i think and i think, but nothing logical comes to me. i put my hands on my head to force myself to focus when i notice that the smear of my finger's gotten a big bigger.

i use my right thumb to rub it off, but not only does it not clean up my index finger, but my thumb's now dirty too. i rub my hands on my pants, trying to get it clean, but nothing transfers to my pants. my fingers are still dirty.

i'm standing up now. i stare at my fingers. i swear the black, dirty part is expanding, covering more and more of my fingers. pretty soon, my hand is black. at this point, i'm frantically trying to get it off me, but it won't work. i use all my might to clean my fingers on my shirt, but the shirt stays unaffected.

i watch in horror as both my hands are black now, and it is slowly creeping up my wrist towards my forearms.

i am suprisingly calm at this point. my breathing's slowed down to a normal pace, and i feel a soothing chill come over me.

maybe this is better afterall.

Saturday, March 26, 2005


dandan getting acquainted with my latest toy.

i already know i'm not going to get much use out of it, but it's just something that i want to own. like all my game consoles. i barely use my ps2 at all, but i still had to get one.

maybe it's a guy thing, wanting to own a lot of gadgets even though there's really no real need for it.

at least i didn't get the psp.



Thursday, March 24, 2005

note to self

must not buy psp. must not buy psp. must not buy psp. must not buy psp. must not buy psp. must not buy psp. must not buy psp. must not buy psp. must not buy psp. must not buy psp. must not buy psp. must not buy psp.

dear fedex

please learn how to use a map.

if a package is being delivered from florida to maryland, there is absolutely no need for the package to ever get to lewisberry, pa. you could've just dropped the package off somewhere in maryland, at my house, for example, while you drove through it to get to lewisberry.

but why should i expect you to do the logical thing? you want to accumulate more miles, use up more gas, pollute our air, kill our kids' earth, that's fine by me (yes, i'm being overly dramatic).

just make sure i have the fucking package by tomorrow.


i went to last night's maryland vs Davidson NIT game. won't tell you what i paid for the tickets, but i'll just say it's cheaper than a venti mocha or a saturday night blowjob in baltimore.

had a fun couple hours, trying hard not to drool over college girls. brought back a lot of memories of when i was still a student, shouting my lungs out in the student section of the old gym.

Maryland cheerleaders are still as ugly as before though.


Wednesday, March 23, 2005

spring break

is over. a much needed 4 day weekend went by too fast.

here's a summary of the past 4 days :
sleep, coffee, chat, tennis, coffee, read, watch tv.

no computer for the whole weekend, except to find the phone number for pizza hut delivery (speaking of which, there are a few appalling pictures of me chowing down on pizza floating out there, but i digress).

quite refreshing to unplug once in a while. sure missed the online porn though.

oh, and i wouldn't really be me if i didn't take more pictures of the cat now, would i?

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Wednesday, March 16, 2005


i've been trying to narrow down the choices for my last meal if i were to be executed tomorrow. and i just can't. i mean, how do you choose 1 or 2 dishes out from your whole life while deeming the rest unimportant? what if you tell them your selection, only to change your mind when the food's here? you're so fucked.

so as of right now, this is my list.

- a piece of popeye's fried chicken (thigh)
- a five guys burger
- penne pasta with italian sausage
- pork hor-fun noodle soup from that stall around my house in malaysia
- a t-bone steak.
- 2 slices of toro sashimi
- nasi lemak with chicken curry
- roti canai
- kirin Gogo No Kocha Milk Tea
- key lime pie

um, that should be about it. i hope they don't limit the amount of food a person can have for their last meal.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

i miss bibi

i wish i had more pictures of her. that's why i pretty much stalk dandan with the camera every single day.

i'm scared that one day i'll lose dandan, and like bibi, i'll only have the memories in my mind.

i need physical proof, so that when i'm old and senile, i'll still be able to keep them close to me.

good night, bibi.

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a first

no, i didn't just lose my virginity.

i just took on a side job. first freelance programming job. should be fun. money's not all that great, but the topic's interesting enough, and who knows, maybe i'll actually learn something.

at least i can pretend to be have a purpose in my day to day life now. maybe it'll drown out all the other voices in my head.

Monday, March 14, 2005

xanax, zoloft

or whatever it is people take to make them think happy thoughts. can someone fucking send me a couple pills?

life's been blah for a while now, and i'm not too happy about that. it scares me to think that this might be my fucking life for the forseeable future.

i need to stop fucking thinking.

Friday, March 11, 2005


this has got to be the longest friday ever.

i think i've glanced at the time on the computer, on the phone, on my cell, on my watch a gazillion times just to make sure it really IS going this slow. maybe someone's setting time to run slower today just to fuck with me.

i'm going crazy here. feels like i've been here for 10 hrs.

can someone pull the fire alarm?

i hate stocks and stocks hate me

stop fucking dropping, you pieces of crap.

i really shouldn't be investing in stocks. i don't know enough about them, don't do enough research on them.

so this is how my normal stock buying process goes :
1) ask coworkers/friends/random internet people for stock tips.
2) look at ratings on yahoo.com
3) think positive thoughts.
4) look at current trading price, then get bid price by subtrating 10 or 20 cents.
5) check every 5 seconds to see if i bought it.
6) pray it goes down to my bid price.
7) pray it stops going down after it reaches my bid price.

then after i hold a position in that stock, what invariably happens is that it'll go up 10, 15%. at that point, i'll grin like a fool and disect the genius that i am.

of course i won't sell at that point, because i'm a greedy mofo.

within 2 weeks of it being up 10, 15%, it'll drop dead and stop performing, like me after sex, leading me to write shit like this and bitch about it.

i should just bury the money in my backyard and hope that a money tree sprouts.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

defending the caveman

just found the stub in my pants today. guess i haven't worn this pair of pants since oct 25, 2003.

i remember that night. parked close to her work. was planning on going to Zaytinya's for dinner, but they didn't take reservations and the wait was 2 hrs long. so we decided to walk towards warner theatre and just go into any restaurant along the way that we liked. we ended up at an american place right across the theatre. the name escapes me now. somethings never change, i suppose.

the show was fun. we had a blast. it was a nice walk in the night back to the car.

we broke up less than a month after that night.

morning shave

don't ever shave without being able to clearly see your face.

i didn't have my glasses on this morning, and for some reason i started shaving before i put my contacts in. that means i was probably more blind than one of those massage parlor peeps when i started shaving. and no, you sadistic fucks, i didn't slice my artery open and bleed to death. anyways, i'm squinting my slanted chinese eyes, barely able to see where i'm shaving. i labor through it, and when i'm done i think to myself, not bad, kid.

40 minutes later, i'm getting off my exit from the beltway. i stop at the light and take a look at my face in the rearview mirror, making sure that there's no eyeshit on my face when i realized that i look like i got a shave from a blind man. there's isolated patches of hair all over my face. fucky fuck.

does anyone have scissors?

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

hump day musings

- i like kirsten dunst. despite the semi-weird-looking roundish face and saggy boobies, i like her. told you guys i like weird girls, didn't i?

- i gassed up at 1.97 per gallon yesterday after work. this morning the same gas station had it at 2.03 per gallon. i might need to start biking to work if this trend continues.

- should've gotten a large coffee instead of a medium. those bastards forgot to put sugar in it too. fuckers.

- i should bring the pyrex lunch container home. it's been sitting here on my desk since saturday, and it's getting pretty disgusting. if you add water to the dried stuff clinging to the side, can you still eat it?

- what should i do for spring break? 3 days off. should i take 2 more days on top of that, just to make it a whole week?

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

wtf? another sunset picture?

i know, i know.

i just like to take pictures, and it's either whatever's outside or it's the cat. no more sunset/sunrise retarded picture for at least a few more days, i promise.

maybe i should start taking pictures of trees or cars or girls showering.


flat head


i've always thought that the back of my head was quite flat. on more than one occasion, my parents have even joked that it was because i slept all the time when i was a baby. at least i think they were joking. i don't think they used a paddle and smacked the back of my head when i was young, though that would explain quite a number of things.

maybe that's why i never truly look right in a baseball cap or skully.


"look! jack signed my guitar. i'm so cool"


Monday, March 07, 2005

random stuff

going into nyc

random building

back in md


Sunday, March 06, 2005

rocky & snoopy

rocky came to us in a birdcage. he was so tiny that my uncle decided to use that to bring him to us. when we let him out of the cage, he stumbled on the grass and decided to chase his own tail. he liked to sleep behind the couch when he was young. we usually would have to move the couch to get to him. he was smart and loving. i remember countless occasions where i was yelled at, and i sat somewhere being all sad, and he'd come to me, tail dropped, nudging and licking my face.

snoopy was the love child of rocky and the neighbors dog :) my sister picked him out from the litter. nono was eager, energetic and more affectionate. he would always pine for attention, maybe because he wanted to outdo his old man.

both of them grew up with me throughout the years. they are fully ingrained in my childhood memories. i've always felt that we abandoned them when we left them back in malaysia, but at their age, we just didn't want to subject them to the rigorous travel when we left.

i will miss you two, kiki, nono.

Saturday, March 05, 2005


if you ever have to go stay in newark nj,

if you really really have to be there,
don't stay at the howard johnson by airport.

the $20 savings a night really isn't worth it, especially when you factor in the "having to listen and feel various planes landing all night long" part of the equation.

Friday, March 04, 2005

the devil is loose

i'm scared of martha stewart. she just gives me the willies.

you see her, and she always has this smile on her face. but it's not a real smile, you see. it's a i-hate-all-you-motherfuckers-out-there,-but-i'll-smile-just-to-take-your-soul-and-money smile. why can't all you stupid people see it too?

behind that fake ass smile, you can almost see her fucking brains turning, trying to think of ways to gouge your eyeballs out and sell your cornea while she's teaching you how to plant roses and cook chicken marsala.

i'm absolutely fucking terrified of her.


a friend's getting married in a bit over a month. he's a yr older than i am, i believe. it's funny how someone you went to high school with, played ball after school with, is getting married.

getting married. settling down. life imprisonment.

i'm not jealous. i know i'm not ready nor do i want to get married at this point. so what is this i'm feeling? loneliness? hmm...

no, that's not it.

i feel frustrated. frustration because i just don't know what colored shirt and tie to wear for the reception. that and i got to get my suit altered. can't believe i actually used to wear size 36 pants before. geez.

oh, and please don't mention this to my mom. don't want to give her any excuse to start the countdown on me.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

dancing with the wind

the gust came from the northeast, permeating his coat and layers of clothing underneath, sending a chill down his whole body.

he mumbled a curse under his breath, hoping to chase the arctic wind away. he could feel his ears burn, defenseless against the swirling wind. shrugging his shoulders, he tried in vain to bury more of his face inside his coat, knowing that it wouldn't do much good, even if he could.

it's a good thing i parked closer today, he thought to himself. normally, it'd be a 3 minute walk, but today, it's right around the corner. hoping to get to the car faster, he sped up his footsteps, trying to get out of this frigid weather as soon as possible.

he juggled the car keys in his pocket, read to unlock the car doors so that he wouldn't need to break his stride when he got to the car. ah, there she is. one click, and he could see the light inside the car turn on gradually, signifying that the driver side door was now unlocked.

his almost frozen fingers is now gripping the driver side door handle, pulling the door open. it opens up, and he starts to get in. the right leg is almost in the door when the left sole of his shoe finds a spot of black ice and slips.

he flops to the ground after hitting the frame of the car with the back of his head. his eyes are closed. he's not moving. the door's still slightly ajar, dancing with the wind.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

how many branches are there?

person with the correct guess gets to scoop the litter box for a week.


Tuesday, March 01, 2005

numa numa

just found out the apparent craze that's going around the net.

um, ok

i have this disgusting urge to go download this song somewhere.

get off your fat ass

and start updating your resume, you dumbfuck.

you know you should, so why don't you? stop fucking jacking off all day and do something already.