walk from work

merry christmas

why is this loser buying a a stupid green tent?

i think i'll raise his hopes by going inside it a few times, let a few days pass, then piss it in and never ever go near it again, thus crushing his spirits.

merry christmas, fucker.

-

i haven't taken pictures in some time now. i don't even know where the hell my digital camera is anymore. dandan could've buried it under his sandbox and i probably wouldn't have noticed.

the last time i remember was taking it underwater when i was diving in the mudholes. might've picked it up again once or twice after that, but if i did, it wasn't that memorable.

none of the pics i took made any covers or broke any artistic barriers (shit, half the time it was either under or over exposed), but somehow, i miss it.

time to dig up the old digital camera?

30 seconds

it was probably 6:30 or so.

the sun was long gone for the day, and i was on the last leg of my commute home. the drive home is short, usually not more than 10 minutes, barely enough time for me to feel the effects of the seat warmers in the car.

i was in the right lane, probably going around 50 mph. a minivan was in front of me, and i didn't feel like overtaking it just to get home a few second earlier.

i see this blur come from the left shoulder of the road. the minivan in front brakes, but it's too late. the blur and the front left bumper of the minivan connect. the blur spins around and under the wheels. part of the bumper breaks off. bits and pieces of plastic, wire and flesh come flying at me.

i swerve left, avoiding the big pieces, but at that speed, i can't avoid it all. i hear a few things hit the windshield, thankfully nothing breaks. after a few seconds, the minivan pulls off to the right shoulder and stops, no doubt shaken.

i slow down, gather myself, and drive home slowly.

it's been a few hours now, and honestly, i still can't fully grasp how i feel. it's the first time i've ever seen death up close. maybe i'm in shock? sadness, loss, bemoaning how humans overtake nature, imminent death of those around me, parents, dandan. talk about a whole fucking mixture of emotions.

it's fucked up, i'm telling you. fucked up.

cursed

i'm tellin' ya, i'm tellin' ya.

i laugh, only because i'm at my wits end. can't help buy just laugh. inside, i want to start hitting walls while yelling at the top of my lungs, but somehow i refrain from doing so.

i guess its time to check for flight times to tibet.

don't toy with me

could it be?

no, really, could it really be true?

toy with my fragile fucking heart once again, and i’m done. i’ll be resigned to becoming a monk in the mountains of Tibet.

and i don't really want to be a monk, or go to tibet. so please, motherfucker, please let it be.

green eggs and spam

that's pretty much going to my steady diet for the foreseeable future. maybe just regular colored eggs though. not sure how the green dye is going to affect my voluptous ass.

oh, and bovril, of course. yes, bovril. i'm the only one i know here in the states that actually eats, or even knows what bovril is. but i love that black nasty gooey stuff.

bovril, bovril, how do i love thee?

whenever my parents come to the states, they would always ask me if i wanted anything. cds? books? maid/sex slave? and i would always say no. just get me bovril, i'd say. with bovril, i can conquer the world. now, they don't even ask. they just bring me a bottle or two every time.

you know, if one were to sit down and read the ingredients at the back of the bottle, they'd probably pass out and die. it's probably just msg to the nth power. the hell with that i say. what doesn't kill you just makes your hair fall off at a blinding rate.

(this is why i don't blog that much anymore. what i just wrote is just a total load of bullshit. a 1st grader could write better, and organize his/her/its thoughts better that what i just did. blah blah blah)

whatever. i like spam. and eggs. and bovril.

yay me.

religion

i think i might need religion soon. or alcohol. or maybe both. at this point, i’m fucking flabbergasted. i need any help i can get. i might even start going to church and stuff just to get it done.

every single time something seems like its on the up and up, and i seem to think it’ll all be over soon, something comes crashing down on my imaginary party. god damn it, how many fucking times does this need to repeat itself?

at this rate, all my hair will fall out in 2 months, instead of 2 yrs. come on, i need to prolong my hair follicle existence as long as possible (for the ladies, you know. see “strong pimp hand”), and this shit definitely isn’t helping much.

maybe it’s god/allah/budda/whatever’s punishment to me for making fun of religion all these years. maybe it’s also karma for making fun of everyone and anyone.

god damn it, karma’s a bitch. whoops. i just used the lords name in vain.

fuck.

review 06

just like that, another year is close to expiring.

a lot of things happened throughout the year, packed with revelations of others and myself, and yet it seems that it’s all a blur. how can so much crap fly by so damn fast? this whole time concept is one weird thing.

another year, another new job. i’m close to becoming a job slut, hopping from one to another on a whim, but hey, i’m a bigger money slut, so i just follow the money. but then i realized that it doesn’t really matter how much you earn. as long as you have a money sucking business and a money sucking condo and a Bloomingdales card, you will never have any leftovers.

i realize that i don’t know jack about businesses, finances and marketing. the two fore-mentioned ventures pretty much confirmed that without a doubt. so the methods set to correct those deficiencies are now in motion (well, the early early planning stages of such methods anyways). maybe it’ll involve a whole lot of time for golf, maybe it’ll be such that no time can be allocated for white dimpled ball striking. like i said, it’s still in the early planning stages. your guess is as good as mine. for now.

i’m also sad to say that mentally, i’m not what i thought i was. a whole lot of cracks, holes even, showed up in my mental wall this year. amongst them, envy. i want what they have. everyone else but me, it seems. so i try, and in doing so, fail to understand my limitations. i look back at those events and find myself shaking my head. what happened to mental fortitude?

so the next year will be spent with more modest goals in mind. no doubling net worth, become CEO, etc. simpler, self enriching goals are more like it.
- live within my means. recuperate financially.
- mend mental wall. control materialistic wants and envy.
- self development. learn.
- obtain advanced open water (AOW) and Rescue diver cards.
- visit 1 new country.

pretty interesting year, all in all. can’t help but to think that i’ve taken a huge step back in overall growth, but i guess it’s one of those real life lessons crap. no point moping around over spilt coffee, i suppose.

the sun will keep on shining, birds will continue chirping, dandan will still lay his head on my chest at night, and i’ll be ok.