smack that snooze button like it owes you money

So here’s the thing with not being a morning person.

you get out of bed 30 minutes after the alarm goes off. You know you should get out of bed like now, but you wait till the last possible minute to wake up, and you have oh, roughly 5 minutes to get out the door. So you work fast and efficient, finding ways to multi-task to get out of the door faster. For example, you try to change while you’re brushing your teeth, or piss while you’re feeding the cat and wearing your socks. You know, just simple stuff like that.

Sure, you get the extra 10 minutes of naptime, but then you somehow always end up paying the price in different ways.

Like the days when you forget to bring your building pass and have to enter/leave the building through one single entrance. you have to sign in, and the security guard look at you like you’re the biggest retard on earth, and then buzzes you into or out of the building the whole day.

Or

the days when everyone on the highway inexplicably becomes retarded idiots who can’t drive over 10 mph because there’s actually sunlight around them. There’s these things called sunglasses, people. You know the big black things on 95 yr old grandma’s eyes when they’re driving their Lincoln town car? Yup. Those things. Thus you end up at work 35 minutes late. And you swear that you’ll wake up earlier tomorrow. But you never do.

Or

the time when you’re 2 minutes away from the house, but realized that you forgot your wallet at home, and you debate internally if you have time to go home and grab it. soon, you realize that you don’t even have time to stop for red lights, let alone go home to grab a wallet. you wonder what you’re going to do for lunch before you realize that you have some change in the car, so you decide that you're good for the day. you get to work, and walk into the office with a whole bunch of loose change sitting in your pockets. you count it, and realize that you actually don't have that much after all.

So, um, what can I get for $2.85?

a simple life (minus paris hilton)

life can be quite simple, actually.

wake up late to a bright, sunny day. reserve a tee-time and change into your plaid golf pants. spend 5 hours with a buddy surrounded by grass, trees and deer, trying to hit a tiny little fucking golf ball that somehow will not go further than 10 yards. eat some altang at a korean place. get a cup of coffee and smoke a cigarettee. watch a movie at some friend's place. chat a bit, laugh a bit. get home, sleep.

i guess it all boils down to sleep, golf, food, coffee, friends and laughter.

my greatest love

1 missed call

i looked at my phone just now. i have a missed call. i check and see a number i do not recognise.

i do a reverse lookup on the phone number, and whoa. is that who i think it is? hmm..i didn't know that's how the last name was spelt. actually, i didn't even know the last name.

wow. there's a lot of information on the reverse lookup page. oh crap, that's the home address?

*light bulb goes off*

ahh..so it all makes sense now.

funny how a missed call can bring so much revelation.

seclusion

phone's off. email's unchecked. this entry will be the last for now.

i've been looking every 5 seconds at my phone, hoping it'll ring, but i know it won't. emails tempt me to write stupid things, like one i wrote yesterday, causing more unnecessary drama. and of course, i can't keep writing on this blog. it's too revealing. too tiring trying to be vague and true at the same time.

most of all, i just need to find myself. just need some time away from everything.

see you all on the flip side :)

thanks, buddy

"so, is this how i usually act when you call me with problems? you're sounding dangerously close to being an ass like me."

"um, yeah."

"damn, it sucks to be on the other side."

"actually, i was going for subtle indifference."

"well, you might want to work on the subtle part."

blink

blink. his eyes slowly adjust to the light seeping into the room. damn, where did the night go?

the first thing he feels is the itchiness on his left leg. he shifts it under the thick, wool blanket, trying to shake it off. it works. there's this strange feeling of numbness, not one of the physical nature, rather it's almost like an invisible cloak, surrounding him. He blinks again.

he stares at the ceiling, painted with an off white, probably eggshell. can't be sure though. there must be a million different whites out there these days. it's seen better days, but in this light, one can barely see the spider webs accumulated in the corners.

he sits up, stifling a yawn in the process. his feet touch the coarse carpeting. he feels fine. he looks around, absorbing his surroundings. hmm..left the light on again last night, he thinks to himself.

he eyes the bathroom, stands up, and walks over to it, stretching his lean body along the way. the cold water splashing against his face startles him, but it knocks the remaining sleepiness right out of his system. he lathers up his facial soap, then spreads it over his face with only his left hand, running his right hand under the cold water.

5 minutes later, he stands in front of his closet. he opens it up, and finds it almost empty, baring a single black suit, a white shirt and a pair of black wingtips. guess this makes the decision easier, he mumbles to himself.

he stands in front of the mirror, adjusting his suit. it fits him, he decides. he flashes a smile to himself, dusts off his shoulders and turn towards the door. a few strides later, his left hand's on the knob. he starts to turn it, then stops abruptly.

he holds that position for a few seconds. he blinks his eyes rapidly, small beads of sweat start forming at his temples.

he lets go of the knob and just stands there, staring at the floor.

his mind's blank. no name, no purpose, no destination.

help

so all i can think to write of is "woe is me" shit. and i refuse to do it anymore (can't promise forever, but at least for now).

thus, i need your help.

give me characters and situations that i can write about.

life is pretty good

i guess i just needed a few glasses of wine to realize that.

sure, i'm on a six month probation for my new job, but at least it's something that i might enjoy doing.

sure, i'm still single, but at least there's someone that makes me feel alive.

sure, i ended up 2-2 on my california golf trip, but at least i didn't lose them all.

i guess the glass is half full afterall. except for the wine glass, of course.

forehead, meet nail

i'm not of low intellect. i understand the events and facts that surround me . I understand perfectly the circumstances of the situation. case in point? written exactly one month ago, on september 17th during a drunken rant :

"but this feeling will turn into excruciating pain sooner or later. trying to obtain the unobtainable is fun in the beginning, but it always turns into despair."

yet, i refuse to stop. i understand the consequences. i won't yield, i just can't. i refuse to absorb any signs that would make a normal, sane person stop. i acknowledge said facts, but i just don't want to give up.

i've always followed my instincts, my feelings. sure, it has not always led me to the greatest of results, in fact, it's led me down the oppotiste path many times, but that's how i choose to live. Sometimes the chips just don't fall the way you envision, so you pick yourself up from the ground and make the best of what you're left with. this is the path i choose, and if it comes to this, then so be it. i can deal with it.

but here's the thing with following your instincts. it's illogical. there's no way to reason with it. there's no telling it "because of A, B and C, XY is the only result". simply said, your instincts can and often conflict with your logical analysis of the situation. You know what a sane person would do, and you can try to convince yourself of the merits of that path, but really deep down inside, you know you're mind's already made up, and you're just going through the motions. you're often left with just a constant flux of second-guessing.

i don't really even bother with trying to convince myself to take the logical path anymore when it comes to certain things. i just go with what i want, damn the consequences.

how's that for attempting to use a logical explaination to justify my illogical behavior?

the world is mine

you see cars, but you don't really see the cars. all you see is obstacles in front of you, like lego blocks. you know you're driving fast, but you don't look down to see how fast. what's the point in that?

you see the gaps between the blocks, and you decide which gaps lead to the exit of this maze. you choose one, and you downshift. the assault begins. you feel the increase in the engine rev, and you rev it even higher as you step on the gas. you swing over to the empty lane, attacking. in a second or two, the assault's over. you change to a higher gear and ease up on the engine.

your heart's running wild, you feel the adrenline rush. you feel calm and in control. you feel like you can take on the world.

then you remember the gas prices and how that stunt just cost your whole tank's mileage.

+1

i believe memories define us. the milestones in our lives, the significant things that shape our views, our perceptions of things in the future. some influence us in a good way, some don't.

my memories are snapshots of scenes. i hold a scene in my memory, and it plays back from time to time. i can almost remember everything leading up to and following that scene. it's a mental picture, with a whole bunch of notes stuck in my brain rolodex.

well, another clip added today.

well, this is a first

i don't think i've ever looked forward to waking up early as much as i do now.

la la la i'm not going crazy la la la

john

john turns off the television.

after a long day at work, he decides that it's best to turn in early. tonight's episode of ER wasn't that good anyways, he mutters to himself as he turns towards the stairs.

"come on, honey, let's ..."

he trails off abrubtly. it's been 35 days since she left him, and yet he still falls into the same routine every day. he shakes his head, trying to will it out of his mind, as he slowly trudges up the stairs, one heavy footstep at a time.

** fade in I Will Follow You into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie **

we see his tired face, wrinkled with time as he labors up the steps.
we next see a close up of his shoes coming onto a step and moving on.
we see his brown leather shoes, worn out and probably should've been replaced a long time ago.
we see him approaching the 3rd rung from the top step. his right foot's about to come down on the rung, but the rubber sole gives up traction at the time he puts his body weight on that foot.
we see john's body flaing backward.
we see john's facial expression, strangely peaceful, strangely relieved.

** fade out music **

questions and answers

the most complicated questions can always be answered by the most obvious, most simple answer.

funny how simple things can be sometimes, isn't it?

i need work

after staring at the screen the whole day, pretending to work, my eyes are weary. 5 hrs of sleep last night doesn't help matters either.

i hear everyone talking around me, but there's a whole bunch of terminology i'm unfamiliar with. eek. it's gonna be an interesting few weeks. conviction codes? send it to mac? sales talk? where's a translator when you need one?

i have nothing to do here yet. this is the last thing i need right now, sitting in front of a desk, with my mind wandering. my thoughts float all over the map, touching on various topics, but always settling on the same thing.

i need work.

i feel lonely

oh, gawd. estrogen overload.

my supervisor's a lady, her supervisor's a lady, my teammates are ladies, and everyone surrounding my cubicle are ladies.

what should i do when they start talking about their shoes and outfits?

stop

i'm never content. i always find faults in myself, my life, my surroundings. i constantly yearn for more.

there was this split second not too long ago where i actually felt as close to content as i can remember. everything was, of course, not perfect, but there was this sense of calm over everything in me.

i remember thinking "no way this shit could last", and of course it didn't.

life went on, and that moment blurred by.

dare to try

so i wanted to escape the monotonous life, to take some risks, dare to reach out and grasp what is seemingly out of reach, unafraid to fall into the darkness below.

i found one, none shining as brightly as it, and i dared to try. i reached out, and just as it seems like i could touch it, it crumbled into dust, blowing away in the wind, eluding my grasp.

it hurts.

oh, cold mistress

i knew i could never hope to call you mine. all i could hope for was to be able to feel your embrace once in a while.

you teased me with glimpses of what could be yesterday, but today, all i felt was the chill of your wrath. you left without warning, leaving no promise of your return. i'm left here, standing alone in the cold, wishing for yesterday once again.

i miss you, my golf swing.

come back to me.

wonderful 48 hours.

maybe it was the reluctant Yes, maybe it was the lack of belief from my "friends", maybe it was my rising to the occasion, maybe it was just pure luck.

after day one of the golf vacation from hell, 36 holes on 2 different courses, 9+ hours of total golfing time, leaving the house when the house is dark and finishing up the last hole without being able to track the golf ball in the fading light, i hold a record of 2-0.

california

it's been quite a few years since i've been here, visiting my best buddy.

we had dinner at a nice italian place in palo alto and started to head home. then it actually dawned on me how much things have changed over the past few years.

before, we were having mcD's, in-n-out burgers, doing things young punks do, and now we're eating at a nice italian place, trying to move up the food chain, playing golf.

wonder what changes the next few years will bring.

my apologies

for having actually posted that last piece of shit. i would delete it, but since i was stupid enough to post it, i should at least take the ridicule that comes along with it.

so here, as a sign of remorse, i'll stop writing and post a picture.

enjoy.

meaningless ramblings

so i started out writing about how we all look at the other side of the fence, and how we all feel that the grass is greener over there, etc, when i realized that i'm so full of shit.

i try to generate a pattern, to generalize how i feel about certain situations, and make it sound like it's how everyone is. like i'm a normal person, and how i feel and react is that of a normal being. if i'm a normal sampling of the lot, then everyone must feel the way i feel.

well, fuck that shit.

i don't know jack (really i don't. i know a jenny though)

i have no skills

as a stalker, that is.

as a direct result of my lack of the fore-mentioned skills, i nearly stalked the wrong person this evening.

so it seems that more than one person has long black hair and pale skin. who would've thunk that, huh?

T-7

by this time next week, i'll be exhausted, having woken up at 7am to get to the 8am orientation.

i would have cussed my new job for the 100th time under my breath.

i would have signed a dozen forms, listened to a dozen people speak of the company culture, ethics, etc.

i would be mourning the end of my 3 month long self imposed unemployment.

maybe i would even be excited by the new job, and maybe maybe.

maybe

maybe is such an ambiguous word.

maybe maybe carries a positive connotation to it, maybe it doesn't. maybe i imagined the whole thing.

maybe i'm dillusional?