05

the past year brought some drastic changes, both intrinsically and extrinsically.

some changes were planned for and welcome, some came and smacked me right in the face.

some goals were achieved, while some drifted by the wayside once again (fuck, i didn't travel to 2 new countries).

the highs weren't as liberating as i thought they'd be, but the dips weren't as debilitating as i would've imagined.

overall, it's been quite an interesting year. i finally did something about my job. i went after a girl, and received a unilateral rejection. i got into a new business venture and realized that things weren't as they seemed.

i'm still as much an ass as i've ever been, still as anti-social as i've ever been, and still as quirky as i've ever been.

it's been a year of risk taking, and even though none has turned out as i hoped that they would, i still wouldn't have done things any differently.

i guess one could also characterize the past year as one filled with disappointment. things on all fronts hit me a lot harder this year. a lot of situations left me wanting for more, but it's ok.

here's hoping for a better new year.

like, totally.

like, ohmigod, like, plan A fell apart and stuff.

i’m like, so stressed out and stuff, cuz like, there wasn’t really any like, plan B and stuff, you know.

laguna beach is like, sooo cooool.  i love Kristin.  she’s like, so pretty and like such a bitch and stuff.  like totally vicious.  

so i’m like, you know, freaking out here at work, like, you know.  i’m now like, afraid everytime the phone rings and stuff, like i know it’s going to be some bad shit everytime and stuff.

like Kristin holds grudges like no one.  like you cross her once, and she’ll hate you till like you drop dead and stuff.  she’s like, totally like, my idol and stuff.

OH-MY-FUCKING-LEAVE-ME-THE-FUCK-ALONE-AND-STOP-CALLING-ME, you know.

so i have like 2 days to like, find a solution to the problem.  while i’m like, pretending to be working at my, like, full time job and stuff.  yay.

i love laguna beach.

indulgence

i sit down, knowing what i need to do.  no, not need to do.   let me rephrase that.  i have to.

it’s for my own good.  you know how sometimes you let things linger, even when you know that you should’ve cut it off long ago?  yeah, this is it.

it’s gotten to the point where i don’t even mention it to others.  what’s the point?  they’ll pretend to understand, but on the flip side of their sympathetic smile, they’re probably shaking their heads, almost laughing at me.

but (there always is a but, isn’t there?) deep down inside, i enjoy it.  i don’t expect others to understand.  someone like me, indulging in such aberrance?  i can’t really defend it, nor explain it to anyone’s satisfaction.

i really want to move on, but i can’t seem to delete black eye peas’ “my humps” from my ringtones.  

please pray for me.

4:45pm

it was 4:45pm on christmas day, and there i was, sitting on the can in an empty office building, reading a free paper i found somewhere.

yes. happy holidays, everyone.

people everywhere were enjoying the day with their loved ones, staying out of the cold weather, laughing, making great new memories while rehasing old ones.

the ones that braved the cold winds were often in pairs. lovers taking a stroll, huddling together, laughing, smiling at each other.

i'm not envious.

really. not at all.

ok. maybe i am.

just a bit.

ok. maybe quite a bit.

don't quite remember feeling like this at all in past years. i've always been the solitary type, preferring to spend time alone than with others. maybe with old age, comes drastic changes in needs and wants.

bah. can't wait till the fucking holidays are over.

attitude adjustment

it's not because of anyone else that i'm failing.

the fault lies within.

rely on no one else, ed. stop whining and complaining. do something about it instead. it's not that things aren't going right, it's just another opportunity to make things right.

i will not let this beat me.

supahstah

i’m a superstar.

yes i am.

i’m officially a model.  yeah.  that’s not a fucking typo, you haters.  and yes, it was a professional shoot.  and i got paid, bitches.  don’t hate me because i’m pretty.

oh my god, what the hell have i done?  my ugly mug’s gonna be public, people.  run for cover.  NOW.

they better have some photoshop geniuses on their team.

getting in the holiday spirit

*clears throat*

*looks around*

*taps microphone*

hello, anyone out there?

ok.  well, for the 2 readers out there, um, sorry for the houdini.  nothing of interest has happened to me, and i didn’t want to keep going emo on this blog, so i just took a break.

and guess what, finally, something noteworthy has happened.

i look like fucking Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.

yes, that’s what i meant by noteworthy events in my life.  yes, i’m a loser.  wanna trade lives?

‘twas cold on Friday, and my nose was dry, so i was rubbing it constantly (my nose, not something else, you fucking pervs).

by Saturday, it was all red, irritated and swollen.

by Sunday, it was all red, irritated, swollen and painful.

i prayed to jesus, allah, Buddha, and fishball (guess which one’s real? come on, i kid. i kid.) for a semi-normal looking nose today, but my prayers (or mockery, whichever one you see fit) wasn’t answered.

so here i am, sitting at my desk, acting like the man without a face.  only i have a face.  and a very red nose.

sissy people

it’s only snow, people.

it’s not the end of the world.  a few inches of snow, coupled with above freezing temperature, does not mean that the world has to shut down.  the roads were clear and easy to navigate.  the winds weren’t blowing people off their feet.

was there really a need for the federal government to open 2 hours late?  and for all the school systems to close for the day?  

look outside.  walk outside.  it’s really not that bad at all.  as hard as it is to believe, people can actually function in times like this.

and I’m not just saying that because I no longer get any fucking snow days here at the new job.

really.  

not not

i will not not watch project runway.

i will not not watch aeon flux, or any charlise theron movies.

i will not not do anything just because it brings you to mind.

i will not not pause all other aspects of things and sit around playing what-ifs.

i will not not stop pining, hoping, sulking.

.

x

my heart skipped a beat.

was it? no, it can’t be. fuck, it really is.

ok, keep cool. stop fucking grinning, you dipshit. you probably look like an idiot.

form complete sentences, you retard. stop “uh” and “ah”-ing.

I almost forgot what you looked like. such a pretty thing. stop staring, ed. hmm..never realized how big your eyes are. stop gawking, ed.

damn, this makes it that much harder. you’re a lot of things, ed, but you don’t move on someone who’s attached.

say goodbye and exit stage right, ed.

dreams DO come true

A few days ago, I dreamt of a scenario I dreaded, something that I didn’t want to translate into the real world. the dream itself was different from the standard boilerplate dream. it had none of the normal dream world absurdity. Nothing that wasn’t possible in this non slumber existence. Everything that happened in that dream could translate into the awaken’d world with not one ounce of modification. It almost didn’t feel like a dream, it felt more of a recollection of the past.

knowing me, of course I said “fuck that, it’s only a dream”. well, well, well, what do you know, it turns out that it’s actually true. and I always say dreams can never come true.

well, fuck me of lil’ faith.