T minus

every person's life is marked by dates. it's special to no one else but you. the first kiss, the first day you slept with somebody, the day you got your license, etc.

well, today's one of those days.

my mom started the clock on me.

she did it in a joking sort of way, but the official underlying message was do-it-yourself-or-god-help-me-i'll-do-it-for-you. she wrapped it up with humor, but make no mistake about it, it's started. she tried to set me up with a family friend's daughter who lives in fucking malaysia, by the way. yes, that malaysia. the one that's 10 billion miles away.

i guess i'll have to start screening her calls.

hump hump

radio play really does work.  because of me listening to the radio on my morning commute everyday,  I have now become black eyed pea’s promoter  at random, inopportune times.

by that I mean me humming the hump song out loud in public, playing both the guy and girl part of the song.

like when I was shopping for groceries on Sunday.  I didn’t even realize it until some little kid was staring at me.  so I threw an apple at him and ran out of the store in shame.

like just now here at work, where I’m pretty sure at least 4 people heard me.  no one said anything, but I’m guessing I’ll no longer be invited to the cool people meetings.

so what’re you gonna do with all that junk?

float like a butterfly

(fade in “eye of the tiger” by survivor)

60 lb punching bag - $40

2x 25lb weight plates – $22.12

heavy bag stand - $129.99

hooking up old stereo system in basement – free

spraining your weak ass wrist in the first 2 minutes of trying to pretend to be a boxer – priceless

(music fade out)

remnants of events past

I made it through the first few days alright. Still wading in the puddle of self pity, but the water is starting to retreat now. I guess this is the lowest of the lows. I knew that this would be inevitable, but never could i imagine the magnitude of this pain. The loneliness, the hollowness; it just eats you inside, never satisfied. The feeling of worthlessness, the pain of being alone. After experiencing the highest of the highs, it's only right that i go through the deepest of the pit.
- Feb 17, 1999

there's this whole set of folders buried deep inside my thinkpad that i wasn't aware of. things that i thought were long gone beyond retrieval were well and alive there. pictures, confessions, fiction, feelings, emotions.

it's quite an out of body experience, reading your old thoughts and feelings. you almost feel detached, but then once in a while, you feel a slight twinge, and you realize that these feelings were indeed once yours.

you see the L word sprinkled throughout the contents of the files, and you wonder where it all went. you feel the intense emotions, read the emphatic words, and you can only shake your head in pity for what was once reality is now only an old memory.

giving thanks

what a year it's been.

the ups have been good, and the downs absolutely brutal. I’ve stayed within myself a lot, but also stepped outside a few times, crazy as it might seem. no matter what happened this year, I wouldn’t have done anything differently at all (except for the speeding ticket).

so here’s the list :

thanks for the new job. while it's actually cramping my lifestyle, I recognize it as a necessary evil, and since no one put a gun to my head and forced me to take it, i'll just stop bitching right now.

thanks to my friends, old and new. i know i'm a pretty shitty friend, so i'll just thank you all for being tolerant and actually hanging out with me once in a while.

thanks to dandan, for not running away or maiming me in my sleep, even though i swear he chews on my hair while i'm sleeping. fucking bastard.

thanks to my sister, who has never questioned my 3 month voluntary unemployment, or any other rash decisions i've made, right or wrong, for trusting and believing in me even if i don't.

thanks to grey fluff, for listening to me whining about stuff for a whole month.
Oh, nevermind. You didn't listen. you made fun of me. prick.

thanks to the cop on I-66 for giving me a fucking speeding ticket at 3am in the morning. 72 on a fucking 55 and you stop me? Go eat some doughnuts and drop dead, you fat fuck.

(wow. where did that come from? talk about suppressed anger and shit. anyways, back to our originally scheduled programming)

thanks for starbucks mochas, san pellegrino limonata and aranciata, 2 hrs @ dean and deluca, postcards from france, remixed electronica/jazz songs, aapl, trident tropical twist, suduko, crème brule, dunkin donuts coffee, panera bread coffee, 7-11 coffee, gas station coffee, cafeteria coffee………………

piercing story #1

It was during my college years, although during that time, I was not really in school. Yeah, I got my priorities straight like that. Anyways, I had no job and I didn’t go to school, but somehow I ended up shopping with the girl at a mall.

Girl wants earring, me say ok. Girl says you get one too, me say ok.

So here I am, sitting on the chair, thinking to myself.

“fuck, didn’t I read somewhere people could go deaf or blind?”

“dude, that’s masturbation, not ear piercings.”

“oh, ok. Cool”

so I got it. when they tell you it doesn’t hurt, they lie. They lie like they’re Bush talking about WMDs. It stings like a bitch. It’s not all that painful, but damn, that sting almost made me tear up, but then I’m a guy, and guys don’t cry. But apparently guys get piercings when their girl tells them to, and gets tattoos when they break up with you. Um, yeah.

Anyways, moving on.

It felt cool for about, let’s see, 5 minutes, if that. It came off within a month, if I remember correctly.

To this day, I would rank that as one of the top 3 most useless things I’ve ever done.

sudoku

I heart sudoku.

It’s so much fun. Especially if you have ADD. Talk about having your mind jumping all over the place. It’s just like the rodeo. See how long you can stay on topic.

It’s therapeutic, in a sadistic kinda way.

why do i never get what i want?

I tried so hard.

Yes I did.  I gave it my all.  I looked at all angles and considered all possibilities.  I closed my eyes and listened to my heart.

And I still ended up with a fucking chocolate chip bagel.  Fuck.

shut the fuck up

It’s too fucking early in the morning to be at work. I’ve been here for an eternity, and it’s not even 9 yet. By eternity, I mean 45 minutes. Yes, I’m being overly dramatic here, but it’s early, k? get off me.

So what’s my point?

My point’s that the person in the next cube’s been on her cell the whole time, speaking her native tongue. Loudly. On her cell phone. In a fucking foreign language.

And I’m stuck here, having to listen to it. I think I’ve found the brunt of all my office hostilities. Yay. Normally, I’d tell her to shut the fuck up, but then it’s only my second month here, and I need the job to support my crack habit. So I sit here, trying to get into my zen state (no, I don’t really fucking meditate) to no avail. I just keep grinding my teeth and hope that a meteor falls on me (or her) soon.

Oh, and she stinks too.
More than I do.

Ewwwwwwwwww.

peach fuzz

It only makes sense that it happens this way, doesn’t it? Total irrational, spur of the moment decisions have defined me in the past, and this one only further cements that of me.

Consequences were not fully considered before action was taken. Mind you, this wasn’t one that would have a ripple effect on international relations or such, just my own little demented world, but I would venture to say that most people would have taken a bit longer to mull it over before proceeding.

Who knew that taking a clipper to your hair actually requires seeing the back of your head?

it's me, not you

here’s the thing about firing people : it’s such a fucking pain in the ass.

no, it’s not that i feel compassion or reluctance, because i don’t.  i don’t try to create opportunities where i have to let someone go, but if it comes to that, i have absolutely no problem with doing so.

except i don’t know what to say when they ask “may i ask why?”

so i stutter.  i can’t exactly tell them “because you’re stupid and i don’t think you’re smart enough to make sandwiches the right way.”  So i automatically switch into “it’s me, not you” mode.  fuck, like i’m breaking up with him or something.

“we just feel that it’s best in both our interests this way.  i mean, we don’t have much hours to offer you anyways, so maybe this is a great chance for you to look for a better job.”

translation :

“it’s better this way for both of us.  i mean, i’m so busy with work i can’t spend much time with you, so this way, you can look for someone who can give you the attention and love you deserve”

so i guess i broke up with my 2 week fling today.  He really wasn’t that good anyways.

an autumn day

cookies

i feel an urge to write about cookies.

i have no earth shattering observations about cookies, nothing about how it relates to life and the search for contentment (is that even a legit word?); or how it relates to friends sitting around, chatting about the ; or even how i still felt empty after devouring the chocolate cookie.

i just felt the need to write about the need to write about cookies. wow. how many gramatical rules did i break with that sentence?

cookies are such hard topics to work into any storyline. sure, you could write about the baking of cookies, but we all know about my legendary skills in the kitchen.

or you could describe the cookie itself and the process of eating the cookie. here it is: i see cookie, i bite into cookie, i finish cookie. i could write 500 words about serving a tennis ball, but probably not even 50 words about eating a cookie.

so why is it exactly that i'm writing about fucking cookies?

listen

sssshhhh……listen.

hear that? no, really listen. close your eyes and hold your breath. stand still and listen.

what do you hear? yeah, exactly.

nothing.

smile

Some days you wake up, and you just know that it’s going to be a brutal day.  You can feel it permeating your skin through the moisture in the air; your lungs through the oxygen its burning.  And you ignore it, because the carousel of life stops for no one, right?

Throughout the day, it keeps hitting you off your comfort zone, forcing you to keep a façade on for others.  You try to hide the turmoil inside, knowing that you can’t let it show outside, and even if you could, it would not do anyone any good.  

So you smile.  For you, for those around you while you battle the demons inside.  

Once in a while, when you’re at a rare moment of solidarity, you let your mask down and breathe.  But moments like that do not last long.  It’s not long before you’ll have to wear the fake smile again.

You’re worn and weary as you fall into bed, hoping that it’ll loosen it’s grasp on you when you awake the day after.

warnings to all

if you decide to drive 80 miles to go visit a national park in the middle of nowhere at 1am after a tiring day, you might not want to bring a camera to document your behavior.

i see dead people?

ignorance is bliss

[reality]
ok, ed. we need to have a talk.

what about?

[reality]
you know, your whole laissez-faire attitude towards money and stuff.

what're you talking about?

[reality]
um, the spending like you're shitting gold attitude? ring a bell?

oh, that. um...but it all necessities.

[reality]
of course. like the eating outs, the books, cds, humidifier?
and the $300 phone and $900 digital slr you're thinking of buying?
i mean, how can you possibly live without those?
have you seen your credit card bills this month?

um, no. in fact, i haven't really checked my bills closely in the past couple months.

[reality]
ahh, admitting you have a problem is the first step, you know.

fuck you. i don't have a problem. some of the stuff is for the store anyways.

[reality]
you know what, you're absolutely right.

i am? shut the fuck up.

[reality]
no, you really are right. so you just need to get reimbursed when the bills are due.

um, yeah. but the business doesn't have enough money to reimburse me. not right now anyways.

[reality]
so when're you gonna get reimbursed?

after we have enough money to pay the rent, fix the ac, pay the employees, buy the food and stuff, you know.

[reality]
in other words, in about 5 years?

um, probably less than that.

[reality]
so let me summarize. not only are you spending money, unnecessarily, i might add, on things for yourself, you're also spending money out of your own pocket for the store?

well, of course it sounds ugly if you put it that way.

[reality]
damn, kid. did you really get dropped as a fucking child?

i'm sorry

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw two shadows zoom by as I got out of the car.  Further examination led me to discover that it was actually two feral cats.  One of them had already gone into hiding under the bushes nearby, but the other was sitting there, eying me warily.

She had a pretty face, dark fur, tail all curled up around her as she sat there.  She didn’t move as I walked past her, saying hi to her, but kept her eyes on me the whole time.

I couldn’t take her.  I want to help you, pretty kitty, but I can’t.  

I’m sorry, little kitty.