loss

a friend's mother is currently in the hospital. the doctors aren't sure if she'll pull through the night.

i have not spoken to him since i found out. i don't know what to say, what to do. i guess i just don't handle situations like this too well. i want to be there, to see if there's anything that i can do to help, but i don't want to barge in on them at this moment.

i don't handle death very well. or more precisely, i don't know how to handle it. i do not fear for my own demise, it's the loss of those that i hold dear that scares me to no end. the sense of loss is something that i do not know how to handle.

my parents shielded us from funerals growing up. i remember once, we drove to one of my distant aunt's house to relay our condolences after finding out that my uncle passed away. that's the closest thing to confronting death during my childhood.

the only instance of death that truly affected me was the loss of bibi. i just remember feeling numb. i didn't know how to feel, what to feel. i cried a lot, but mostly i was just numb. i just remember clinging to hope, then when all hopes were dashed, i retreated into a shell.

tonight's made me think about my parents. i dread the day that i am in my friend's shoes. i don't know how i'll handle it.

don't know why, but i called my parents after i found out the news.

brain farts

- according to expedia.com, the cheapest plane ticket to London for the time i’m going is $315.00. taxes and fees are $153.33 on top of that.

- there’s a surprisingly high amount of blogs dedicated to knitting. i’ve come across 3 today, just going through random blogs.

- i’m itching to take a picture of something, but nothing’s of interest.

- i remembered to take my vitamins today.

- i want to try my hand at being a professional translator. wonder what kind of work i’d actually be able to produce.

happy days

someone said, abruptly, to me this weekend: “i can’t wait to see you when you’re happy”

kind of took me by surprise. i kept quiet.

i think back at the happier times in my life, and i wonder if i was truly happy at those times. i don’t mean “did you ever smile” kind of happy. what i wonder is if i ever went through those kind of “life is good, everything’s honky dory, I’m constantly happy” periods.

i can’t give a definite answer. i would sure like to say yes, but then i’d just be a fucking liar.

And oh yeah, i can’t wait either.

i dream weird

for the past week, i've realized that i actually dream quite a bit. almost every night, i think. i'm not too sure.

you can't think about those dreams too hard, or they'll just burrow deeper into the darkness. so i'm tiptoeing around my memory, picking up loose clues that are lying around, trying to reconstruct my weird dreams.

algea infestations, ocean, vacations, blowjobs (don't ask), missed flights, road trip in a van, swimming.

it's funny how it always never makes logical sense, but you never question that when you're dreaming. i think i went from some beach in malaysia to maryland in a bike in one of my dreams.

i wonder if i've always dreamt or is it a newly acquired habit.

barf

If there’s one thing at work that I do not need to hear right after I’ve finished my lunch, it’s

“I’m having my c-section next week.”

Ugh. i need a bucket.

electric youth

Who remembers Debbie Gibson?

Electric youth? Lost in your eyes? Foolish beat?

Apparently she’s following the footsteps of Tiffany, her fellow pop queen from back in the day and stripping for a magazine.

goodbye, childhood. it's been real. Somehow knowing that some artist from your childhood is now stripping for cash kinda ruins your childhood memories. you just don't look back at the memories the same anymore, i guess.

of course they look like trailer trash now.

Speaking of trailer trash, can’t wait till Britney gets to this stage.

typos

boys and girls, see what typos can lead you to?

http://www.fishydude.blogpsot.com/

(brought to me attention by london girl, who undoubtedly would want me to note that she can spell, just can't type)

only 730 days left

before i'm eligible for jury duty again.

i received a letter couple weeks ago notifiying me that i was to report to jury duty on the 25 of january. yes! this is exactly why i registered to vote.

i was looking forward to it for the whole week, and not just because i could miss work and sit around all day reading. i wanted to exact justice on someone. i was to become the law. i say guilty, you lose, biatch.

but then i called this evening, and they told me i was not needed. what, there's no fucking cases going on tomorrow?

i feel so cheated.

itinerary

9am - wake up
10 am - breakfast at Cafe de Praierie Franc Pinot
11am - Smoke a fag with Jacques, who practices second grade grammer with you
1pm - after strolling the streets of france aimlessly Ed decide to strike up a conversation with tourist from the ukraine.
130pm - Lunch at the Petite Juacno Mirona Sixios Bonnona
4pm - more aimless walking but did see a glimpse of Catholic school girls walking home
6pm - no appetite for dinner, instead had a virgin midori sour for fun
9pm - dont quite want to sleep yet but dont really know what to do so instead watches CNN in the hotel.
11pm - depression overwhelms ed and he gazes into the water below london bridge.

that is greyfluff's vision of my trip in may. bastard.
sad thing is, he's pretty much right though. hah.

i'm such a trendsetter

way back before everyone and their mom's started wearing the livestrong bracelets, i did it first. i was one of the cool people. i'm just hip like that, you know.

then everyone jumped on, much like the von dutch trucker hat phenomenon. so what happened next? every cause decided that they need to have a rubber bracelet.

for example, there's one for andy roddick foundation, University of Maryland scholarship fund, target breast cancer awareness and last but not least jesus loves you!!!

interesting how all these things happened because of me.

NotFunnyGuy

it was 3 fridays ago when i issued NotFunnyGuy a challenge. come up with a joke, and i shall post it. on friday, he finally decided that this one was worth it.

NotFunnyGuy: you know whats a mesa?
ed says: nope
NotFunnyGuy: V ask me when we were in ikea
NotFunnyGuy: I said.... " oh.... mesa..... horny"
NotFunnyGuy: me me sa horny"

i told him i'm not gonna judge his joke, so i'm not going to say that this joke sucks.

Jeux d'enfants

hmm....seems like today's "fishy movie review day", but i digress.

it's movies like this that makes me cling on to the hope that one day, maybe, just maybe, shit like that will happen to me.

and that is why i love foreign films, not those 100 million special effects laden mindless hollywood movies.

except for the whole ambiguous ending shit.

fire in the sky

Hotaru no Haka

otherwise known as Grave of the Fireflies.

directed by Isao Takahata, based on a semi-autobiographical book by Akiyuki Nosaka.

one of the most bone-chilling sad movie i've ever seen, anime or not. i remember watching it for the first time a couple years ago. I thought it was another fantasy type anime, but i remember just being awash in sadness when the movie ended. i couldn't shake that feeling for a couple days.

It wasn't just that the events in the movie was sad or depressing. it was just fucking hopeless. it offered no hope for the future, no glimpse of a better tomorrow, no solution to the sadness.

Great movie.

first snow

it's snowing outside. first accumulation of the winter. quite pretty.

white and grey, a bit sad. maybe that's why winter's so beautiful.

so i'm sitting here, staring out the window, watching snowflakes dance in the wind. about the springboard into my depressed state of mind when i hear

*crunch crunch* *smack lips*

it's my fucking retarded coworker eating lunch. wonderful. way to spoil the scene, you bastard.

times like this

i feel like fucking strangling someone. snap their neck and kick their dead bodies until it fucking breaks into half.

came to work in the morning, cold, but in a decent mood. then my IE starts to fuckup. it runs, but takes forever to come up, or to open a new window.

so i've been trying to fix that retarded shit for the past 6 hrs. and where do i get? no fucking where.

i have to reformat my machine. and install all the software, patches, updates and porn on there again.

fuck.

hope you all are having a great fucking day.

latest craze

mc solaar

thanks for my sister, who in turn thanks sex and the city, for exposing me to this new sound.

now, can someone please translate all this fucking french to english for me?

sniff sniff

this is my good side, he says

google

apparently if you go to google.it and search for induce to puke, i'm the last one on the 3rd page.

and if you go to google.com and search for related:www.xnxx.com/, i'm the 19th result returned.

should i be scared?

ode to china buffet

your prices are low
wow, cheap and all you can eat?
what an awesome place!

piles of food shaped crap
spread over three full tables
oily and nasty

stuff my face with food
leave, regret ever going
go night night at work

mortality

injuries are coming up more often.

not the major breaking arm or leg injuries, but rather the small nicks. a sore foot here, a sprained ankle there. it's like a car in its early stages of breaking down.

even when healthy, response time has slowed just a tad. foot speed has pretty much gone from slow to turtle speed.

sigh, i once thought i was immortal.

guilt

why the fuck do i feel like shit just because i turned down a favor asked of me?

am i selfish because i don't want to feel like shit doing that favor?

fucking a. fucking a.

I had a dream

i dream that i will one day live in a nation where i will not be judged by the color of my skin, but by the content of my character. i have a…

hold on
sorry. wrong channel.

i had a real dream last night. i remember waking up in the middle of the night to take a piss, and actually thinking to myself “shit, you need to write this down.” But of course I did no such thing.

i totally forgot about the whole thing until grey fluff brought up the subject of dreams.

So this is what’s left of my recollection of it.

College Park parking lot, McDonalds, my dad, swimming pools, rich old alumni dudes lounging by the pool, looking at the clock and seeing it’s 2am before I sleep.

That’s some shit, huh?

step aside, miss cleo

as i predicted, Lando called in the morning.

so here i am at work, but he's not. and i don't know what he wants. so i'm sitting here, being the little bitch that i am, wasting my sunday away.

this is how people become fucking psychos and start plotting to murder everyone.

hmn....

so my boss Lando calls me on Friday late afternoon, just a couple minutes before 5:30pm, and asks me "are you free on sunday?" apparently he has a couple of meetings on monday and needs me to gather some information for him.

the question takes me by suprise, and i manage a weak "um, yes.".

he proceeds to tell me that he'll call me on saturday evening so we can iron out what time i should go in on sunday.

it's 11pm now. no calls from him as of yet. don't expect him to call tonight.

so here's what i'm thinking. if he calls tomorrow, i'm going to tell him,

"hey, you didn't call yesterday, so i planned stuff to do today. so you can go screw yourself, son."

then hang up.

i'm so cool.
i'm so cool i'll be at work tomorrow while you guys are enjoying your sunday.

lunch

i had cravings for some indian food at lunch, so i suggested to my coworker that we go to this buffet place closeby. their curry was good, and their grilled chicken thing was awesome.

as expected, food was good. polished my first plate in no time.

round 2 was going pretty well too, when i noticed a small movement out of the corner of my eye. turns out it was a cockroach scaling the wall across me.

i kept on eating. i mean, it's a cockroach.

then it jumped from the wall to the chair opposite me.

i bailed.

there's food in my stomach now, but it feels like there's something moving around in there.

fish puke concert series event #2

Asobi Seksu

Feb 10 at Talking Head, Baltimore MD.

who's game?

who am i?

do i use humor to mask my real emotions?
do i even have real emotions?
is humor my defense mechanism?
am i that hard to get to know?

i'm not sure.

at my age, shouldn't i have already figured out how i am? it feels like i don't even know myself sometimes.

ok. time to turn off my brain from this stuff and go back to my usual monotomous brain-dead self.

a small gesture

can sometimes mean more than one can imagine.

8 27 66

first workday of 2005

turns out to be just as unproductive as every single workday in 2004. surfing the web non stop, checking my email, stocks, reading some blogs, chatting online.

sometimes i really wonder how i've managed to stay employed for all this time.

work sucks.

someone better win the damn lottery and give me some.

checklist for 2005

- get scuba certification
- flying introduction lesson
- visit 2 new countries

was tempted to put "cleaning the house" on the list, but then why put something on that you know just isn't going to happen?

i'm such a fucking pig.

alcohol and i

went to a party tonight.

nice party. good food, cool people, alcohol flowing freely.

only i don't drink (a 2 yr old has more alcohol tolerance than me) . apparently the amount of alcohol one can consume before passing out is in direct corelation with one's coolness. if you don't drink with the whole bunch, you almost become a afterthought.

used to think as we grow older and transition from college to working life, drinking would become less and less of part of our social life, but then it never happened. i'm still left standing out like a sore thumb.

sometimes i do wish that i could drink more. get happily pissed drunk and just lose yourself.

at least my liver's healthy, i guess.